Brain Feature #3: What your sex brain actually thinks is that orgasms
lead to pregnancy.
Yes, Sex Brain
Feature #3 is true. Anything that leads to an orgasm, it thinks
is a really really good sign. You may have noticed this, your sex
brain's favorable reaction to orgasm. When you have an orgasm, your
sex brain thinks to itself - 'whoah hoh, I got us really pregnant
that time, oh boy, yes siree, that was a good one, we're talking
some serious pregnancy here, damn I'm good!' And it's very pleased
with itself. You could be tying your shoelaces with your teeth and
if it gave you an orgasm, your sex brain would be thinking, 'damn!
I'm good. You can count on me to deliver the pregnancy goods, yes
siree, I'm your man.' It does not know that the only thing that
could possibly get pregnant in this case is your shoelaces. Yes
- that is how stupid your sex brain is.
Note: Some of you may be thinking that I am talking about
men and why they are so stupid - a popular topic of conversation
in some circles. Including among men who have had to spend a fair
amount of time in close proximity to their sex brains, an exciting
but sometimes harrowing state of affairs. I am not talking about
men, however. I am talking about everybody. Males, females, everybody.
And although I am calling your sex brain stupid, it is a term of
affectionate insult, rather than exasperation and contempt.
not really so stupid after all. It's just adaptable. The mechanics
and timing of fertilization may vary among species but orgasms of
some sort have proved pretty darn reliable in persuading animals
of all kinds to swap that DNA.
And as far as
your sex brain is concerned, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. What
does it care how reproduction actually happens or whether or not
your shoelaces can get pregnant, seeking orgasms has led to more
human reproduction than most of us know what to do with, and seeking
orgasms is exactly what your sex brain intends to continue doing.
Not necessarily a bad deal for most of us.
orgasms really are pretty helpful in that whole fertilization
process - as some of you may have noticed. Which brings us to The
Brain Feature #4: Orgasms are good but really intense ones are even
Your sex brain
believes that intensity of orgasm correlates to chances of pregnancy.
And since pregnancy is what your sex brain really lives for, it
strives for those really intense ones that are going to up its chances
of success and make it dance around high-fiving itself. This Intensity
Factor has a whole bunch of chemical and other consequences, including
Accidental Falling in Love, but we'll deal with those later.
Now an intense
orgasm obviously doesn't guarantee pregnancy, particularly if you
are having it by yourself. And a mediocre unintense orgasm, or a
lack of orgasm doesn't necessarily mean pregnancy won't occur. But
why the fuck should your sex brain care about trivial details like
that? As far as it is concerned, the correlation is good enough
to make those super-duper wow that was intense ones the Olympic
Gold Medal of your sex brain's daydreams. This Intensity Factor
in some ways accounts for the nature of your sex brain's daydreams
by the way, but we'll get to the later. Now we'll just talk about
why your sex brain is on the right track to prize intensity of
A really intense
orgasm produces more sperm and gives them that extra jolt of enthusiastic
push to speed them as they wing their way toward DNA heaven. And
if the woman your sex brain is trying to get pregnant has a really
intense orgasm, her whole body starts cooperating with the pregnancy
process by initiating contractions to help the sperm on their way,
and changing the chemical balance of the relevant parts of her body
to facilitate the DNA swapping process. In fact, in some women,
a really intense orgasm can trigger ovulation itself.
brains work the same way men's do (I know some of you don't believe
that, but they do) and a woman's sex brain associates intense orgasm
with pregnancy just like everybody else's. To the extent that sometimes
the sex brain will be enjoying itself so much that it will start
panting 'God damn! this is too good a Pregnancy
Opportunity to pass up, give me a fucking egg! Oh god, oh god
give me that DNA to swap, yes, oh yes...' And so on. This doesn't
happen nearly as often as some of us might like, but it does happen.
your sex brain doesn't just want you to have a good time,
it wants you to have a really good time. And a lot
of human sexual behavior, strange and otherwise, is driven by this
underlying Intensity Correlation Factor. Furthermore, because orgasm
in both sexes is helpful in Pregnancy Facilitation, your Sex Brain
is motivated by Feature #5.
Feature #5: Your sex brain doesn't just want you to have a really
good time - it really really wants your partner to have a really
In fact, it
wants this so much, it cares more about your partner than you. I
know some of you don't believe this because you have been with people
you fucking swear could really give a shit about you, your orgasms,
or anything else.
There are two main reasons for this.
Their sex brain
didn't want to get pregnant. Or...
listen to their sex brains and therefore fucked things up for it.
Either of these
things can happen fairly easily. It's a common misconception that
just because the sex brain is interested in pregnancy that it wants
to create it 24 fucking 7. It doesn't. Your sex brain does not
spend your whole life trying to get you pregnant. There are many many
times when your sex brain has no desire whatsoever to get you or anyone
else pregnant. We'll deal with this in more detail in another Feature.
For now, we'll just suffice it to say that people frequently have
sex that their sex brain didn't vote for. For lots of reasons. And
when this happens, as it often does, the sex brain doesn't participate
that fully in the exercise, and it loses its keen interest in the
other person's Orgasm Intensity Indicators. Which can lead to the
'Oh were you interested in an orgasm too, I didn't really notice'
Another thing that
causes this dismaying lack of interest is that people stop listening
to their sex brains. Most people don't have a very good understanding
of their sex brains to begin with, the thing frequently roars into action
without asking anyone's permission, often leaving a trail of confusion
and angst in its wake. Since most people don't really know how the darn
thing works, it's not uncommon to experience Sex Brain Disappointment,
and to get really tired of disappointing sexual experiences and just
stop listening to the damn thing because it only makes them miserable.
This does not make them stop having sex necessarily, it just encourages
them to ignore one of their sex brain's basic desires - the other
person's delirious fucking blow-out oh my god amazing fucking orgasm.
That's what your sex brain really wants.
Because your sex
brain reasons like this - 'oh shit, he/she is really turned on. Oh my
god, this just upped my pregnancy chances by a thousand percent!
Look at that. Oh Jesus, I am so delirious with excitement -fuck I can
hardly stand it!! Oh shit, I am putting every fucking thing I can into
this Spectacular Pregnancy Opportunity!!! Jesus, it doesn't get
any better than this, goddamn, this person is so ready to get
pregnant, fuck I need to have the most intense orgasm of my existence
right now, right when they are, oh god, don't blow it, yes, just a few
seconds, pregnancy now, now, now. Oh God, oh god, oh god.... ....aaah
jesus if that didn't get us pregnant I don't know what will. Either
we are pregnant or I am dead because I don't have anything left. Oh
God.' And so on.
When your sex
brain feels desire in the other person's eyes (and anywhere else it
is looking or touching or tasting), its own eyes go all wide. Everything
stops for a second as it realizes it is looking at one of the best
pregnancy opportunities it'll ever see in its life. Your sex brain
doesn't take for granted that sex is freely available and it definitely
doesn't take for granted that fertility is freely available and it
really really doesn't take for granted that sex and fertility are
going to be combined all that often in a single human being willing
to have a spectacular pregnancy-causing orgasm with you! The whole
scenario just blows its circuits. And sexual circuit-blowing can be
a pretty worthwhile endeavor every now and again.
It doesn't happen
as often as most people would like by a long shot, but what a woman's
sex brain really really really wants is to be wanted, to be wanted
to so much, to be so fucking desirable, to be staring at a potentially
pregnancy-causing other person who is so fucking ecstatic with desire
they're going to have an orgasm that could cause pregnancy in 7 states,
including Alaska, which is a long way away.
And what a
man's sex brain wants is exactly the same thing. Anything that
looks, sounds, smells, tastes, or even vaguely resembles a woman having
an intense orgasm and the sex brain perks up so fast it gets whiplash.
It can spot a pregnancy opportunity at a hundred yards easy, and nothing
gets its attention more thoroughly. It spends its whole life wanting
desperately to make someone else go out of their minds with ecstasy.
this doesn't happen as often as hoped for. But people respond to the
underlying imperatives anyway. Men learn to say 'You're so beautiful'
and 'I love you' and so on, to make a plausible attempt at arousing
the other person and sustaining a relationship and women learn to
fake orgasms for the same reason.
And women often
experience an idea that goes something like 'I don't even really want
an orgasm that bad anyway, it's not that important to me.' But god
they would be mortified and hurt if the guy doesn't get an erection
or if he doesn't get off. That really hurts their sex brain's feelings
And guys often
say things like 'I just really want to please you' and then sometimes
it works and sometimes it doesn't but deep down they really really
wish it did because when it doesn't their sex brain's feelings get
really hurt. Because their sex brains weren't kidding, they really
meant it, it's more important to the sex brain assessment of success
to cause an orgasm than to experience one.
And since things
don't always go the way people or their sex brains hope they would,
sometimes people's sex brains get dejected and don't even feel like
trying any more. And so they just stop acting like the other person
is as important to them as they are, which fucks things up because
it makes the sex brain not care very much about their own experience
And this applies
gay or straight, whether there is realistically a bat's chance in
hell of pregnancy or not - the sex brain still believes, reliably
and stubbornly - that the other person's orgasm is more important
than its own.
And this leads
to our first sudden nest of Special Bonus Sex Tips!
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