Even an occasionally
foolish person like yourself can figure this out. Even though it's
not written anywhere, it's just common sense. And yet - there will
be times when you will be so fucking tempted to break up with someone
while you are in the car with them. This will happen most frequently
when you have either a) delayed the Dumping Moment for far too long;
or b) just been to a party. Either of these situations can lead to
the sudden overwhelming urge to engage in Impulse Dumping!
occurs because a car is a place where silence can get extremely loud.
So there you are driving along and she is acting her usual snotty
self, not looking at you, restlessly moving around as though she is
trying to communicate with you via body language and silence that
she is really pissed off at you for something you will never understand
and couldn't possibly fix even if you wanted to because whatever it
is involves your basic nature as a human being - and suddenly you
will announce 'This isn't working out, is it?'
You will have
completely forgotten your strategic talk word and instead will have
plunged yourself into an 'I Want Out' conversation, partly because
you are in a car far from home and you can't get out. And now
of course you are at a serious disadvantage because she's wearing
high heels, you're driving, you can't get out, and the steering wheel
is within her reach. You can't think clearly because part of you is
driving but you can get emotional because driving will do that
to you anyway. Meanwhile, she is not encumbered by driving and can
think as well as get emotional and the whole thing is just a mess.
She can be icy
cold and say 'well maybe it isn't. maybe we should just call it quits.'
Which will only make you mad because you're driving and driving makes
you mad anyway and now you are mad and physically helpless because
you have to drive and you don't have the upper hand in the conversation.
Or she can burst into tears - which will distract you and encourage
you to swerve all over the road. Or she can argue with you which will
encourage you to argue back and drive erratically and get pulled over
by the cops. Or she could take off her high heels and start hitting
you with them. None of these possibilities is all that great.
breakup conversation in a moving vehicle is just messy. Major
demerits in the style and grace category of dumping technique for
doesn't get any better if she is driving and you're not. Rent the
movie 'Vanilla Sky' to find out why. Or alternatively, just imagine
yourself being driven headlong into oncoming traffic or off a ledge
or into the side of a building. Maybe it won't happen - but by the
time you emerge from your harrowing Dumping and Driving experience
you will almost feel as if it had. Forget about it.
You can help yourself
avoid potentially fatal Car Dumping Accidents by not waiting too long
to dump someone. When you wait too long to do anything, eventually
your entire body gets sick of you, suddenly takes matters into its
own hands and performs the activity at the worst possible moment
just to get it fucking over with. It just can't take it anymore. It
has seen you pass up all sorts of reasonable opportunities to dump
this person and it now knows it's at the end of the line, it's either
got to dump the girl for you or it won't get done. So it waits until
you are distracted by driving and then sends various breakup phrases
pouring out of your mouth.
Don't make your
body do this! Grow some courage, get some balls, pick one of the other
dumping locations and just do it. Your vehicle will be glad you
Attempting an Impulse Dump While Driving Under the Influence of Moderate
Quantities of Alcohol On the Way Home From a Party With Your Girlfriend.
Skip this section
if you are not planning to go to a party with your girlfriend, drink,
and then engage in a vicious ugly fight on the way home. Go directly
to some section more practical.
On the other hand,
who are you kidding? Of course you're going to do this at some
point. Everybody does. There is nothing like going to a party with
someone you're sleeping with to make you feel like just suddenly fucking
dumping them or divorcing them right there in your car on the way
The whole point
of attending a party with your girlfriend or even spouse is that it
allows someone you are sleeping with to mingle with Other People in
a socially uninhibited manner. This is frequently exactly what
you don't want. Other People, someone you are having sex with on a
semi-frequent basis, and social uninhibitedness. Three things that
make a bad combination.
They will flirt
with someone else in an incredibly humiliating way. (More humiliating
for you than them, even though they are the one pathetically slobbering
all over someone else.) They will act obnoxious and embarrass you.
They will take off articles of their clothing in front of Other People.
They will criticize you loudly. They will tell embarrassing stories
about you. They will reveal your secrets. They will betray some unspoken
or spoken trust between you. They will make it crystally clear to
you how much more they like Other People than they like you. All their
normally hidden hostility toward you will come leaping out of them
and attempt to communicate itself to everyone else in the room. They
will hurt your feelings. They will make you insecure. They will piss
you off. Your body will become a virtual industry manufacturing bad
chemicals designed to swirl through you until you are blind with rage.
Your head will hurt. While they swear they are 'just having fun.'
And then you'll
get into a car. This won't happen every time you go to a party
with someone. But it will happen sometime. It will particularly happen
if you've been with someone for long enough for nice big quantities
of hostility to build up.
If your girlfriend
doesn't do these things at the party, you will. Someone will get very
very pissed off. Someone will be so full of rage they won't be able
to speak. Their rage will fill up the car like a cloud of ammonia,
choking off all the oxygen. Or someone will be so full of rage they
can't shut up. That person might be you.
If it is you,
then nothing short of complete annhilation of the relationship will
satisfy your chemicals. One of the major points of having a relationship
is to have someone to back you up socially. One of the major points
of going out and having a few drinks is to let your Social Brain (the
one that remembers to back people up in a social situation) have the
night off and take a vacation.
your girlfriend's Social Brain may take a dramatic vacation after
3 shots of tequila. At that point, all bets are off. All the stuff
she's normally supposed to do to support you - forget it, she's on
vacation. All the stuff she normally works hard to repress - forget
it, she's on vacation. All the normal rules of propriety she normally
follows - forget it, she's on vacation. This is perhaps what you want
when you are trying to pick someone up you just met and induce them
to perform all kinds of sexual activities their Social Brain wouldn't
approve of. It's not what you want when you are attached to someone
and their reputation, the way they act, reflects on you.
If your girlfriend
fails to drink enough to remember to fuck up your life at a party,
then the chances are good that you will. Fucking up your life is
a part of the party-going experience.
Either way, you
will be mad. You will be mad because there's nothing your body hates
like being socially betrayed. It hates that shit! It fucking
hates being betrayed. Or you will be mad because there's nothing a
vacationing Social Brain hates like being told it can't be on vacation.
It hates that shit! It just wants to have fun! Why does somebody always
have to ruin the fucking fun and tell it that it can't be on vacation.
You fucking hate your girlfriend for always ruining your fun
and telling your hard-working, over-taxed Social Brain that it can't
have a few hours of relaxation now and then. You fucking hate that
So now you are
in a car and one of you is pissed, both of you are drunk, one of you
is pouting for having your fun ruined and both of you want to either
call the whole thing off or beat the shit out of each other. This
is the Chuck Finley-Tawny Kitaen Driving While Drunk and Pissed Off
After a Social Situation and One of You is Wearing High Heels Syndrome.
It can lead to court charges and unexpected newspaper coverage. Not
to mention divorce. This is Impulse Dumping gone bad.
What to do when
you suddenly and thoroughly want to dump the living hell out of someone
after a party in which jealous rage and alcohol have mixed? Here's
the too full of rage to speak option rather than the too full of
rage to shut up option.
Don't say anything.
Pout, glare, simmer, stew, sigh, clench and unclench your fists
but don't say anything until the vehicle has stopped moving. If
she starts saying things and won't stop, strive to say as little
as possible. Avoid even pleasant, innocuous phrases like 'SHUT
THE FUCK UP! SHUT UP, FOR CHRISSAKES, SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT UP!!!!!'
You would think a courteous little phrase like 'shut up' would
turn the situation right around toward your favor but frequently
The actual phrase
that pays is 'Let's talk about this when we get home.' Don't
even attempt anything more complicated than that. If she tries
to grab the steering wheel while not shutting up, grab it back firmly
and in a mild panic while repeating your phrase 'Let's talk about
this when we get home.' If she's pissed off because you're not saying
anything, say something. Say: 'Let's talk about this when we get
home.' If she is incredibly upset because you are the one in a jealous
rage attempting to ruin all her fun say 'Let's talk about this when
we get home.' If she says 'I don't want to talk about it when we
get home, I want to talk about it now!', then say, 'We can talk
about this when we get home.' This is just sort of an impenetrable
barrier phrase and people are just eventually forced to give up
and pout. This phrase gives you the upper hand. Keep it handy and
repeat it like a maniac as if you don't hear anything else. Do not
react to anything she says. Don't even listen. Then get home
and have a no-holds-barred screaming fight that causes the neighbors
to call the cops and have you arrested. A nice jail cell is
awfully safe compared to having your head fly through the windshield
because you attempted to explain to someone in screaming detail
why they could go to hell and you hate them and you have a million
grudges against them and you'd rather fucking die in your car than
spend another minute with them.
sure to follow this rule if you are the one who is so fucking
mad you don't want to shut up and instead want to pour out a detailed
list of accusations involving the words whore, tramp, slut, or tart
while making dramatic Dumping Threats. Don't even start. Stay
too mad to speak and everything will work out better for you.
Once you get
home, stay too mad to speak until you are thoroughly calmed down.
Sleep alone. Stay too mad to speak until you realize everything
you were gonna say is useless anyway. Give up. Initiate a quiet
break-up. When everything has calmed down and the hangovers have
faded into mild cruddiness around the edges of the mind, say 'It's
time we called it quits.' She will agree. She may not want to agree,
but if it's time for you to dump her, she'll agree anyway. She is
getting over a hangover for chrissakes, how vigorously can she contest
your point? Answer - not very. You win. You're broken up.
You have just completed the rare and tricky Dumping By Waiting
Until the Hangover Has Faded Somewhat technique. And you pulled
it off after a party fight. A particularly tricky maneuver and yet
you accomplished it easily. See - it's not that hard to dump someone.
As long as you wait until the car stops moving.
If you positively,
absolutely must dump someone in a car then do it this way. Take
the person out. Drive them home. Park in front of their house. Unlock
the doors. Dump them. Watch them leave. Drive away quickly.
Okay, that was
more than anyone could possibly have wanted to know about dumping
someone in a car. Let's pick a more sensible location next time