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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

Accelerators, high heels, and the danger of interpersonal violence

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All right, you're going to tell your hopefully soon to be ex-girlfriend that you need to 'talk'. Now you need to decide where you are going to issue this momentous phrase. Let's run down a handy list of four options:

Option #1: A moving vehicle, such as your car.

Option #2: A private place, such as your home.

Option #3: Some place where you can avoid face to face contact, such as the telephone, email, voice mail, or instant messaging.

Option #4: A public place, such as a restaurant.

Now I've done a lot of Intensive Personal Research on these options, breaking up with countless people on your behalf, just to determine which option leads to the smoothest dumping experience. So let's go over the advantages and disadvantages of each.

If you picked Option #1 - a Moving Vehicle - you are wrong!

Moving vehicles have a number of features which make them less than ideal for dumping someone. Such as - automatic door looks, accelerator pedals, and steering wheels. Any of these features can and quite possibly will be used against you in a dumping situation. The potential presence of high heels only complicates matters. Even if you are the one wearing the high heels. Combining high heels, accelerator pedals, moderate quantities of alcohol and a Vicious Ugly Breakup is a damn good way to find yourself in some institution you didn't really want to visit - such as a hospital, a jail, a courthouse, or the automotive repair shop. Avoid this scenario!

Don't Dump and Drive!

Even an occasionally foolish person like yourself can figure this out. Even though it's not written anywhere, it's just common sense. And yet - there will be times when you will be so fucking tempted to break up with someone while you are in the car with them. This will happen most frequently when you have either a) delayed the Dumping Moment for far too long; or b) just been to a party. Either of these situations can lead to the sudden overwhelming urge to engage in Impulse Dumping!

Sometimes this occurs because a car is a place where silence can get extremely loud. So there you are driving along and she is acting her usual snotty self, not looking at you, restlessly moving around as though she is trying to communicate with you via body language and silence that she is really pissed off at you for something you will never understand and couldn't possibly fix even if you wanted to because whatever it is involves your basic nature as a human being - and suddenly you will announce 'This isn't working out, is it?'

You will have completely forgotten your strategic talk word and instead will have plunged yourself into an 'I Want Out' conversation, partly because you are in a car far from home and you can't get out. And now of course you are at a serious disadvantage because she's wearing high heels, you're driving, you can't get out, and the steering wheel is within her reach. You can't think clearly because part of you is driving but you can get emotional because driving will do that to you anyway. Meanwhile, she is not encumbered by driving and can think as well as get emotional and the whole thing is just a mess.

She can be icy cold and say 'well maybe it isn't. maybe we should just call it quits.' Which will only make you mad because you're driving and driving makes you mad anyway and now you are mad and physically helpless because you have to drive and you don't have the upper hand in the conversation. Or she can burst into tears - which will distract you and encourage you to swerve all over the road. Or she can argue with you which will encourage you to argue back and drive erratically and get pulled over by the cops. Or she could take off her high heels and start hitting you with them. None of these possibilities is all that great.

Starting a breakup conversation in a moving vehicle is just messy. Major demerits in the style and grace category of dumping technique for this one.

The situation doesn't get any better if she is driving and you're not. Rent the movie 'Vanilla Sky' to find out why. Or alternatively, just imagine yourself being driven headlong into oncoming traffic or off a ledge or into the side of a building. Maybe it won't happen - but by the time you emerge from your harrowing Dumping and Driving experience you will almost feel as if it had. Forget about it.

You can help yourself avoid potentially fatal Car Dumping Accidents by not waiting too long to dump someone. When you wait too long to do anything, eventually your entire body gets sick of you, suddenly takes matters into its own hands and performs the activity at the worst possible moment just to get it fucking over with. It just can't take it anymore. It has seen you pass up all sorts of reasonable opportunities to dump this person and it now knows it's at the end of the line, it's either got to dump the girl for you or it won't get done. So it waits until you are distracted by driving and then sends various breakup phrases pouring out of your mouth.

Don't make your body do this! Grow some courage, get some balls, pick one of the other dumping locations and just do it. Your vehicle will be glad you did.

Bonus Section! Attempting an Impulse Dump While Driving Under the Influence of Moderate Quantities of Alcohol On the Way Home From a Party With Your Girlfriend.

Skip this section if you are not planning to go to a party with your girlfriend, drink, and then engage in a vicious ugly fight on the way home. Go directly to some section more practical.

On the other hand, who are you kidding? Of course you're going to do this at some point. Everybody does. There is nothing like going to a party with someone you're sleeping with to make you feel like just suddenly fucking dumping them or divorcing them right there in your car on the way home.

The whole point of attending a party with your girlfriend or even spouse is that it allows someone you are sleeping with to mingle with Other People in a socially uninhibited manner. This is frequently exactly what you don't want. Other People, someone you are having sex with on a semi-frequent basis, and social uninhibitedness. Three things that make a bad combination.

They will flirt with someone else in an incredibly humiliating way. (More humiliating for you than them, even though they are the one pathetically slobbering all over someone else.) They will act obnoxious and embarrass you. They will take off articles of their clothing in front of Other People. They will criticize you loudly. They will tell embarrassing stories about you. They will reveal your secrets. They will betray some unspoken or spoken trust between you. They will make it crystally clear to you how much more they like Other People than they like you. All their normally hidden hostility toward you will come leaping out of them and attempt to communicate itself to everyone else in the room. They will hurt your feelings. They will make you insecure. They will piss you off. Your body will become a virtual industry manufacturing bad chemicals designed to swirl through you until you are blind with rage. Your head will hurt. While they swear they are 'just having fun.'

And then you'll get into a car. This won't happen every time you go to a party with someone. But it will happen sometime. It will particularly happen if you've been with someone for long enough for nice big quantities of hostility to build up.

If your girlfriend doesn't do these things at the party, you will. Someone will get very very pissed off. Someone will be so full of rage they won't be able to speak. Their rage will fill up the car like a cloud of ammonia, choking off all the oxygen. Or someone will be so full of rage they can't shut up. That person might be you.

If it is you, then nothing short of complete annhilation of the relationship will satisfy your chemicals. One of the major points of having a relationship is to have someone to back you up socially. One of the major points of going out and having a few drinks is to let your Social Brain (the one that remembers to back people up in a social situation) have the night off and take a vacation.

For example, your girlfriend's Social Brain may take a dramatic vacation after 3 shots of tequila. At that point, all bets are off. All the stuff she's normally supposed to do to support you - forget it, she's on vacation. All the stuff she normally works hard to repress - forget it, she's on vacation. All the normal rules of propriety she normally follows - forget it, she's on vacation. This is perhaps what you want when you are trying to pick someone up you just met and induce them to perform all kinds of sexual activities their Social Brain wouldn't approve of. It's not what you want when you are attached to someone and their reputation, the way they act, reflects on you.

If your girlfriend fails to drink enough to remember to fuck up your life at a party, then the chances are good that you will. Fucking up your life is a part of the party-going experience.

Either way, you will be mad. You will be mad because there's nothing your body hates like being socially betrayed. It hates that shit! It fucking hates being betrayed. Or you will be mad because there's nothing a vacationing Social Brain hates like being told it can't be on vacation. It hates that shit! It just wants to have fun! Why does somebody always have to ruin the fucking fun and tell it that it can't be on vacation. You fucking hate your girlfriend for always ruining your fun and telling your hard-working, over-taxed Social Brain that it can't have a few hours of relaxation now and then. You fucking hate that shit!

So now you are in a car and one of you is pissed, both of you are drunk, one of you is pouting for having your fun ruined and both of you want to either call the whole thing off or beat the shit out of each other. This is the Chuck Finley-Tawny Kitaen Driving While Drunk and Pissed Off After a Social Situation and One of You is Wearing High Heels Syndrome. It can lead to court charges and unexpected newspaper coverage. Not to mention divorce. This is Impulse Dumping gone bad.

What to do when you suddenly and thoroughly want to dump the living hell out of someone after a party in which jealous rage and alcohol have mixed? Here's a tip:

Strive for the too full of rage to speak option rather than the too full of rage to shut up option.

Don't say anything. Pout, glare, simmer, stew, sigh, clench and unclench your fists but don't say anything until the vehicle has stopped moving. If she starts saying things and won't stop, strive to say as little as possible. Avoid even pleasant, innocuous phrases like 'SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT UP, FOR CHRISSAKES, SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT UP!!!!!' You would think a courteous little phrase like 'shut up' would turn the situation right around toward your favor but frequently it doesn't.

The actual phrase that pays is 'Let's talk about this when we get home.' Don't even attempt anything more complicated than that. If she tries to grab the steering wheel while not shutting up, grab it back firmly and in a mild panic while repeating your phrase 'Let's talk about this when we get home.' If she's pissed off because you're not saying anything, say something. Say: 'Let's talk about this when we get home.' If she is incredibly upset because you are the one in a jealous rage attempting to ruin all her fun say 'Let's talk about this when we get home.' If she says 'I don't want to talk about it when we get home, I want to talk about it now!', then say, 'We can talk about this when we get home.' This is just sort of an impenetrable barrier phrase and people are just eventually forced to give up and pout. This phrase gives you the upper hand. Keep it handy and repeat it like a maniac as if you don't hear anything else. Do not react to anything she says. Don't even listen. Then get home and have a no-holds-barred screaming fight that causes the neighbors to call the cops and have you arrested. A nice jail cell is awfully safe compared to having your head fly through the windshield because you attempted to explain to someone in screaming detail why they could go to hell and you hate them and you have a million grudges against them and you'd rather fucking die in your car than spend another minute with them.

Be particularly sure to follow this rule if you are the one who is so fucking mad you don't want to shut up and instead want to pour out a detailed list of accusations involving the words whore, tramp, slut, or tart while making dramatic Dumping Threats. Don't even start. Stay too mad to speak and everything will work out better for you.

Once you get home, stay too mad to speak until you are thoroughly calmed down. Sleep alone. Stay too mad to speak until you realize everything you were gonna say is useless anyway. Give up. Initiate a quiet break-up. When everything has calmed down and the hangovers have faded into mild cruddiness around the edges of the mind, say 'It's time we called it quits.' She will agree. She may not want to agree, but if it's time for you to dump her, she'll agree anyway. She is getting over a hangover for chrissakes, how vigorously can she contest your point? Answer - not very. You win. You're broken up.

Congratulations! You have just completed the rare and tricky Dumping By Waiting Until the Hangover Has Faded Somewhat technique. And you pulled it off after a party fight. A particularly tricky maneuver and yet you accomplished it easily. See - it's not that hard to dump someone. As long as you wait until the car stops moving.

If you positively, absolutely must dump someone in a car then do it this way. Take the person out. Drive them home. Park in front of their house. Unlock the doors. Dump them. Watch them leave. Drive away quickly.

Okay, that was more than anyone could possibly have wanted to know about dumping someone in a car. Let's pick a more sensible location next time around.

Dumping in a private seems like such a good idea, doesn't it?

Now! As a special bonus is proud to offer the companion FAQ to the very popular Dumping Series: Should I, in fact, dump my girlfriend at all?

Dumping Table of Contents

Option #1:Dumping by Avoidance

Disadvantages of Option #1:Horrible Alien Freak Cycle

Option #2: Dumping by Talking

Using the Talk Word to Dump Your Girlfriend

Exactly What To Say

What to Do When She Cries

Selecting the Proper Breakup Location

More FAQs For No Apparent Reason:

Why Am I So Socially Inhibited and Why the Fuck Aren't Other People?

Is there hope for boring guys like me?

Why do asshole guys get all the chicks?

Why does time go so slowly when you're bored?

How can I tell how fucked up I am?

What's War Got To Do With It?


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