the pretty fucked up website

The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

All we ever do is talk, talk....

Remember to Skip...

Okay, now we get down to the actual hard stuff. Preparing the actual break-up. You didn't think you'd get to run around saying socially irresponsible stuff forever, did you?

Step One: Prepare use of the word 'talk'.

First off, we call this Dumping By Talking because the talking part is important.

Your first rule when figuring out what you are going to say and how you are going to say it is that your opening phrase must always include the word 'talk.'

Like this: 'We have to talk.' 'Lize, I think we need to talk.' 'Alice, there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about.' And so on. Notice the strategic use of the 'talk' word.


In English, the word 'talk' as in 'we need to' is universally recognized as a linguistic cue that the person saying it is about to suggest some Alarming Changes. This is not just in romantic relationships. If your boss calls you in to his office by saying 'You have a minute to talk?' your heart should start noticeably beating. Alarming Changes are about to be announced.

Since breaking up with someone is by definition an Alarming Change, it is only simple linguistic courtesy to signal this by prominently placing the talk word in your opening sentence. Back up your cue and give the Other Person contextual congruence by intoning your 'we need to talk' sentence quietly and seriously. This gives the Other Person a chance to get alarmed, defensive, nervous, scared, and experience their heart noticeably beating.

It also gives them a chance to steel themselves against pain, which is very important to them. Again, this is just courtesy. Don't fuck them up by getting nervous and smiling or laughing while you are saying 'I really need to talk to you about something.' If your throat is dry and you can barely speak while you are attempting to get the 'talk' sentence out, all the better as this will catch their attention and set off their self-protective alarm buttons.

You can vary the effect and intensity of your 'talk' sentence depending on how you phrase it. By the way, you can use these techniques any time you want to announce Alarming Changes to anyone. Like let's say for example you want to tell your parents you're gay. Major 'talk' situation. Talk situations don't always have to be bad. For example, if your fiancee says 'we need to talk about the wedding', she may very well mean 'let's make some Alarming Changes to the wedding plans our parents apparently want us to have. We can make the Alarming Changes together, if you'd like. Or I'll do it myself you unromantic son-of-a-bitch! Boo hoo hoo!' (Well weddings are a special case.) Anyway...

'We' need to talk means - "I'm going to announce the need for some Alarming Changes but I'll solicit your opinion on them after I'm done announcing them and we can work together on implementing or modifying them."

'I think' we need to talk means - "I'm going to announce some Alarming Changes and I'm going to implement them whether you like it or not, which I hope you're not too mad, but really I have to, and it's better for everyone, don't you think? You're not too mad, are you? Okay, never mind."

Do 'you' want to talk about something? means - "Apparently you feel the need for some Alarming Changes, which pisses me off, but go ahead, spit it out, I don't care, I'm anticipating it. Go ahead fucker, what are your Alarming Changes asshole, I can take it!"

And so on. The pronoun indicates whose Alarming Changes they are - mine, ours, or yours. So analyze whose changes they are. Don't try to pull off a 'we' if it's really an 'I'. If they're your Alarming Changes and yours alone, suck it up and use the 'I' phrase.

The modifier 'think' indicates that you are not really sure. You have some Alarming Changes but you are willing to be talked out of them if it will help keep you from getting killed or injured or yelled at. Don't use 'think' if you really want to break up.

You can use 'I need' to talk or 'I want' to talk. You don't have to bray these things - they're a little harsh since they indicate it doesn't matter what the Other Person says or feels, Alarming Changes are going to be implemented. But don't dig yourself into hole you can't get out of by using 'I think' when you have every intention of implementing the Alarming Changes regardless.

You can use 'I feel' like we need to talk instead of 'I think' or 'I want' as a nice buffer between I'll Only Implement Alarming Changes If You Let Me, and I'm Going to Stuff These Alarming Changes Down Your Throat No Matter What You Say. Using the 'I feel' phrase indicates you are putting the blame on yourself and not the Other Person but still those Alarming Changes are going to happen.

'I feel' is generally your best bet but some of you just can't use the 'feel' word because you've been brought up to believe that only fairies and dorks use it. So you're going to have to modify the language to what's accepted in your environment. But consider this: it may make you sound like a touchy-feely person, but you are breaking up with them! What do you care if they think you are a touchy-feely person, on some level you are lying to them anyway because all you really want to do is get out of the relationship. As long as they buy it and it makes you look better and tamps down their 'I'm Not a Goddamn Alien Freak' Cycle what do you care. On the other hand, if they aren't going to buy it, skip it.

Okay, now give some serious, deep, cogitative thought to your opening 'talk' sentence. Choose several and try them out. Pick the most promising and convincing one and rehearse it. Steel yourself against the horrible reaction you are anticipating. Make yourself so nervous doing this that you feel sick. Practice, practice, practice. And then stop worrying about it. You're going to forget it anyway under the pressure of the moment. With any luck, it will come out of your mouth accidentally in the middle of some other conversation because you couldn't get up the courage to do it when you wanted to. And then you're off and running.

Okay, now you need to know exactly what the fuck to say after you've announced that you're going to embark upon the dread process of 'talking' to someone. So we'll tell you!



exactly what the fuck to say....and you thought life was hard...

Now! As a special bonus is proud to offer the companion FAQ to the very popular Dumping Series: Should I, in fact, dump my girlfriend at all?

Dumping Table of Contents

Option #1:Dumping by Avoidance

Disadvantages of Option #1:Horrible Alien Freak Cycle

Option #2: Dumping by Talking

Using the Talk Word to Dump Your Girlfriend

Exactly What To Say

What to Do When She Cries

Selecting the Proper Breakup Location

More FAQs For No Apparent Reason:

Why Am I So Socially Inhibited and Why the Fuck Aren't Other People?

Is there hope for boring guys like me?

Why do asshole guys get all the chicks?

Why does time go so slowly when you're bored?

How can I tell how fucked up I am?

What's War Got To Do With It?


The I am Making This Up Disclaimer

The Scientific Disclaimer

The I Don't Know What I Am Talking About Disclaimer

The This is No Substitute for Professional Help Disclaimer

The Don't Sue Me Unless You Really Really Really Want to Disclaimer

The This Site is Not Endorsed by Anyone Disclaimer


Bonus! Your FAQ here

copyright 2003