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Idiots continued!

Idiot #2: The Insecure Idiot.

Insecure Idiots are people who are afraid to have their cell phone off because they might miss a call! They hate missing calls because they think to themselves...'God, I might be missing something. Something might be happening and I might be missing it! If I miss it, god I will miss out and be so unpopular and such a loser! What if I am doing the wrong thing watching a movie when I could be doing something cooler and more popular like talking on my cell phone? God, that would be such a disaster!'

Insecure Idiots don't even want to turn their cell phone on to vibrate so it doesn't disturb other people because god, what if they get a call and no one notices! People would have no idea how popular they are. It would be awful!

Insecure Idiots want constant validation they exist by having other people talk to them and reassure them and call them and just generally keep pumping the lifeblood of validation and shared insecurity into their system. They are afraid if they just watch a movie with a group of their friends and don't talk the whole time they might disappear. Even worse, they might disappear and no one would notice because they weren't even talking to anyone when they disappeared! That would be really horrible.

Insecure Idiots don't want to say no to anybody or do anything that might cause them aloneness. So they want that phone ringing loud and clear at all possible times to indicate how important and alive and connected and busy and popular they are.

There are a couple of types of Insecure Idiots. One is the Young Insecure Idiot. Nature has specially set aside that time between say 13 and 25 or so for people to wholeheartedly devote to being Insecure. And this tapers off until they get to be like thirty and can devote all their time to being very very tired. The Young and Insecure seem to have endless energy because being Insecure is very energizing. Sheer terror will do that to you. Sex terror, love terror, popularity terror, parents terror, school terror, friends terror, siblings terror, roommates terror and God What is Wrong With Me terror. It's a full schedule being Young. And getting calls on your cell phone is one of the few things that mitigates that Terror just a bit. So in between being very very annoyed by the Young and Rude, indulge in a just few moments of compassion and relief that you are not 13 anymore.

Okay, enough with the compassion - let's move on to the other type of Insecure Idiot.

This is the Professionally Insecure Idiot. Some professions encourage Insecurity along with an Exaggerated Sense of Importance. The movie business. Certain executive positions. Certain sales-y type high-flown things. Litigation attorneys. Etc. You know the type. They too cannot bear to miss a cell phone call or to have anyone unaware that their cell phone is going off because just one missed call and they may No Longer Be Important. That would be terrible. These people are just as annoying as teenagers but not as good-looking.

Simply glaring at the Insecure Idiot in the movie theater who is making your life hell won't work all that effectively. Because these people are too busy being Insecure to notice the entire theater Glaring at them. Also, they are Young and Insecure whereas you are Old and Grumpy and they don't care what you think. Or they are Insecure and Under the Delusion They are Important whereas you are Old and Unimportant and they don't care what you think.

So...on to Plan B. Four concise steps.

1) Get annoyed and say to yourself 'Now that's some Fucked Up Shit!'

2) Fix your gaze on the Insecure Offender and say loudly to yourself (to yourself, it's a movie theater remember), 'OH GROW UP!' You don't want to skip this step because if you follow it, eventually the Insecure Offender will! This is exactly the kind of power you wield in the Universe. The Young will get Old and Tired and the Supposedly Important will get Old and Washed Up. And all because of You.

3) Settle into your seat with your arms folded in the Glaring position so that you will remember you don't like it when Insecure Idiots take cell phone calls during a movie.

4) When the Insecure Offender finally pipes down, say loudly to yourself 'Finally! Thank you! Thank you very much!' You want to make sure you do this because it will make you feel like you were actually the cause of the return to movie-going silence and they did it just for you. This will make you feel powerful and justified and prevent you feeling like a helpless psychotic wreck. Also, saying Thank You is polite. And you are nothing if not polite.

Gloating and feeling superior are optional dessert steps. Indulge or refrain according to your taste.

Very good. You have now conquered the Forgetful and the Insecure. On to the very challenging Stupid Idiot.

Stupid Idiots are people who are under the mistaken impression that the world revolves around them and that they are the only people in it worth considering. It escapes their minds that there could be Other People in the theater who want to watch the movie because it escapes their minds that Other People could possibly exist for any reason other than to cater to their needs. They aren't aware that Other People have differing needs and agendas and ideas and preferences and feelings and so on because they don't really believe that Other People exist. They are pretty certain they are the only actual people in the universe. This is an hellaciously lonely and awful existence in many ways and you don't even have to wish these people would die and go to hell because really they already have. And sometimes, quite frankly, are doing rather well in it. Better than you sometimes. Ruining Other People's movie-going experiences without a care in the world - whereas you could never do that! You suffer if you sneeze too loudly. God it just gets under your skin, how some people can just being so fucking inconsiderate and make you suffer while they don't suffer at all. You hate that! You just fucking hate that. It's so unfair. You hate it!

You hate it so much strong medicine is called for. So let's get you some.

Step 1: Get annoyed and then rapidly dissolve into helpless pools of hatred for those Stupid Fucking Idiot Motherfuckers with their Goddamn Cell Phones. Combine this with Glaring or Inner Shouting or Screaming or Sighing or Restless Moving About In Your Seat, or what have you. Flail about as necessary but remember to just hate these people. Like this: 'I hate these people. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. I HATE Stupid Fucking Idiots! I just absolutely hate them!'

Don't get anymore complicated than this about it. You're in a movie. You have other things to do, like look at movie stars. Don't figure out why you hate them or what is wrong with them or how justified you are to hate them or What This Says About Society or anything fancy like that. Just hate them until the cell phone noise is gone.

Step 2: When the cell phone noise is gone, settle down into your seat and breathe deeply. That's right, nice deep breaths. Stare at the movie screen until it starts to engage your attention again. Gradually resume regular breathing. Notice how good you feel, watching a movie without any cell phone noise. It feels really good to pitch a hatred fit every once in a while. Really good. Even better if you don't do anything embarrassing while you are in the middle of it.

Therefore, don't Cause a Scene while you are pitching a hatred fit. A hatred fit is a special private pleasure, just for you. If you Cause a Scene by yelling at someone or so on, you will ruin the entire movie for yourself. Because you will have to spend the rest of the movie processing a 'Why I Caused A Scene' Justification for yourself. Then when the movie is over, you will have to subject the person you are with to your Entire Why I Caused A Scene Justification and still you will not feel satisfied until you have gone over it several times and perfected it in front of an audience. You may still be mulling it over when you go to bed at night. And still you will feel a little stupid or foolish or unjustified or overreacting or so on. Because you know, deep down, when you Cause a Scene, it means the Stupid Idiots have won.

Whereas if you pitch a nice quiet private hatred fit, it simply doesn't have to be justified. Nor, in reality, should it be. You just hate these people. You just hate 'em. And that's good enough.

All right, peace be with you. And may many happy cell phone-free movie-going experiences be yours!


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