#2: The Insecure Idiot.
Idiots are people who are afraid to have their cell phone off because
they might miss a call! They hate missing calls because they
think to themselves...'God, I might be missing something. Something
might be happening and I might be missing it! If I miss it, god I will
miss out and be so unpopular and such a loser! What if I am doing the
wrong thing watching a movie when I could be doing something cooler
and more popular like talking on my cell phone? God, that would be such
Insecure Idiots don't even want to turn their cell phone on to
vibrate so it doesn't disturb other people because god, what if
they get a call and no one notices! People would have no idea how
popular they are. It would be awful!
Idiots want constant validation they exist by having other people
talk to them and reassure them and call them and just generally keep
pumping the lifeblood of validation and shared insecurity into their
system. They are afraid if they just watch a movie with a group of
their friends and don't talk the whole time they might disappear.
Even worse, they might disappear and no one would notice because they
weren't even talking to anyone when they disappeared! That would be
Idiots don't want to say no to anybody or do anything that might cause
them aloneness. So they want that phone ringing loud and clear at
all possible times to indicate how important and alive and connected
and busy and popular they are.
are a couple of types of Insecure Idiots. One is the Young Insecure
Idiot. Nature has specially set aside that time between say 13
and 25 or so for people to wholeheartedly devote to being Insecure.
And this tapers off until they get to be like thirty and can devote
all their time to being very very tired. The Young and Insecure seem
to have endless energy because being Insecure is very energizing.
Sheer terror will do that to you. Sex terror, love terror, popularity
terror, parents terror, school terror, friends terror, siblings terror,
roommates terror and God What is Wrong With Me terror. It's a full
schedule being Young. And getting calls on your cell phone is one
of the few things that mitigates that Terror just a bit. So in between
being very very annoyed by the Young and Rude, indulge in a just few
moments of compassion and relief that you are not 13 anymore.
enough with the compassion - let's move on to the other type of Insecure
is the Professionally Insecure Idiot. Some professions encourage
Insecurity along with an Exaggerated Sense of Importance. The movie
business. Certain executive positions. Certain sales-y type high-flown
things. Litigation attorneys. Etc. You know the type. They too cannot
bear to miss a cell phone call or to have anyone unaware that their
cell phone is going off because just one missed call and they may
No Longer Be Important. That would be terrible. These people are just
as annoying as teenagers but not as good-looking.
glaring at the Insecure Idiot in the movie theater who is making your
life hell won't work all that effectively. Because these people are
too busy being Insecure to notice the entire theater Glaring at them.
Also, they are Young and Insecure whereas you are Old and Grumpy and
they don't care what you think. Or they are Insecure and Under the
Delusion They are Important whereas you are Old and Unimportant and
they don't care what you think.
to Plan B. Four concise steps.
Get annoyed and say to yourself 'Now that's some Fucked Up
Fix your gaze on the Insecure Offender and say loudly to yourself
(to yourself, it's a movie theater remember), 'OH GROW UP!' You
don't want to skip this step because if you follow it, eventually
the Insecure Offender will! This is exactly the kind of power you
wield in the Universe. The Young will get Old and Tired and the
Supposedly Important will get Old and Washed Up. And all because
Settle into your seat with your arms folded in the Glaring
position so that you will remember you don't like it when
Insecure Idiots take cell phone calls during a movie.
When the Insecure Offender finally pipes down, say loudly to yourself
'Finally! Thank you! Thank you very much!' You want to make
sure you do this because it will make you feel like you were actually
the cause of the return to movie-going silence and they did it just
for you. This will make you feel powerful and justified and prevent
you feeling like a helpless psychotic wreck. Also, saying Thank You
is polite. And you are nothing if not polite.
and feeling superior are optional dessert steps. Indulge or refrain
according to your taste.
good. You have now conquered the Forgetful and the Insecure. On
to the very challenging Stupid Idiot.
Idiots are people who are under the
mistaken impression that the world revolves around them and that they
are the only people in it worth considering. It escapes their minds
that there could be Other People in the theater who want to watch
the movie because it escapes their minds that Other People could possibly
exist for any reason other than to cater to their needs. They aren't
aware that Other People have differing needs and agendas and ideas
and preferences and feelings and so on because they don't really believe
that Other People exist. They are pretty certain they are the only
actual people in the universe. This is an hellaciously lonely and
awful existence in many ways and you don't even have to wish these
people would die and go to hell because really they already have.
And sometimes, quite frankly, are doing rather well in it. Better
than you sometimes. Ruining Other People's movie-going experiences
without a care in the world - whereas you could never do that!
You suffer if you sneeze too loudly. God it just gets under your skin,
how some people can just being so fucking inconsiderate and make you
suffer while they don't suffer at all. You hate that! You just fucking
hate that. It's so unfair. You hate it!
You hate it so
much strong medicine is called for. So let's get you some.
1: Get annoyed and then rapidly dissolve into helpless pools of
hatred for those Stupid Fucking Idiot Motherfuckers with their
Goddamn Cell Phones. Combine this with Glaring or Inner Shouting or
Screaming or Sighing or Restless Moving About In Your Seat, or what
have you. Flail about as necessary but remember to just hate these
people. Like this: 'I hate these people. I hate them, I hate them,
I hate them. I HATE Stupid Fucking Idiots! I just absolutely hate
Don't get anymore
complicated than this about it. You're in a movie. You have other
things to do, like look at movie stars. Don't figure out why you hate
them or what is wrong with them or how justified you are to hate them
or What This Says About Society or anything fancy like that. Just
hate them until the cell phone noise is gone.
When the cell phone noise is gone, settle down into your seat
and breathe deeply. That's right, nice deep breaths. Stare at the
movie screen until it starts to engage your attention again. Gradually
resume regular breathing. Notice how good you feel, watching a movie
without any cell phone noise. It feels really good to pitch a hatred
fit every once in a while. Really good. Even better if you don't do
anything embarrassing while you are in the middle of it.
don't Cause a Scene while you are pitching a hatred fit. A hatred
fit is a special private pleasure, just for you. If you Cause a Scene
by yelling at someone or so on, you will ruin the entire movie for
yourself. Because you will have to spend the rest of the movie processing
a 'Why I Caused A Scene' Justification for yourself. Then when the
movie is over, you will have to subject the person you are with to
your Entire Why I Caused A Scene Justification and still you will
not feel satisfied until you have gone over it several times and perfected
it in front of an audience. You may still be mulling it over when
you go to bed at night. And still you will feel a little stupid or
foolish or unjustified or overreacting or so on. Because you know,
deep down, when you Cause a Scene, it means the Stupid Idiots have
Whereas if you
pitch a nice quiet private hatred fit, it simply doesn't have to be
justified. Nor, in reality, should it be. You just hate these people.
You just hate 'em. And that's good enough.
All right, peace
be with you. And may many happy cell phone-free movie-going experiences