This is an incredible
deal and a one-time only offer found only at prettyfedup.com for your
personal benefit. So let's get started.
But first, let's
fill out an amazingly handy and super-fun Interactive Should
I Get the Fuck out of this Relationship? Form! Please take
a moment now to note your answers to the following fill-in-the-blank
(insert category of Other Person here. E.g., boyfriend, girlfriend,
wife, husband, dog, fiancee, best friend, etc.)
(insert Terrible Thing here. Annoying habit, character defect, major
flaw, egregious behavior, sudden change, etc. For example, is an alcoholic,
has found Jesus, wants to spend every weekend with his family, has
gotten fat and ugly, is pathologically jealous, criticizes me in front
of other people, won't quit smoking, never wants to have sex, spends
all her time at work, overdisciplines the kids, doesn't take care
of him/herself, spends all our money, wants me to convert to Judaism,
seems indifferent and uncaring, has a terrible temper, won't listen,
has cheated on me more than once, never puts the toothpaste cap back
on the tube, is into perverted sicko sex practices, etc., etc., etc.,
(circle one) says _______________________________ (insert Other Person's
reason why Terrible Thing above is not so terrible. E.g., it's only
sex with other people - it doesn't mean anything, it's my problem
and I should lighten up, I don't understand the pressure he is under,
she is just 'having fun', etc., etc., and even more etc.)
pronoun here) _____________________________ (insert reason for staying
here. As in, we have two lovely kids, I really love her, we have really
good times together, he has always been faithful and a good provider,
she is wonderful half the time, we have been together a long time,
we have worked hard to get where we are, I don't believe in divorce,
we used to have a great relationship, the sex is still really good,
etc., etc., etc.)
....but this problem
is really driving me crazy. Should I stay and (try to work things
out/hope things work out for the best - choose one) or should I just
call it quits and get out of the relationship? ____________________
(sign here with your name or a snappy handle such as 'Uncertain in
Northampton' or 'Cheated On and Wondering' and so on.)
You did such a great job filling out the form that you should
really take a moment to congratulate yourself. Your misery fits into
a form and is exactly like everyone else's - and that kind of lack
of personal individuality is always comforting in this complicated
modern world. And look how neatly your entire Complicated Situation
and Detailed Explanation fell into handy paragraphs! You're an analytical
genius to be able to organize your relationshp hell so cleanly and
conveniently. No wonder you are drawn to a superior website like prettyfedup.com
- you're just naturally a superior person!
However, now that
we are done congratulating you, we have to point out that your entire
chain of reasoning in explaining your relationship above is completely
fucking useless. It's of no help whatsoever. It's the format you
all use - and there are excellent excellent reasons why you want to
explain your situation this way - but it does you absolutely no fucking
What you are asking
me to do - what you are always asking me to do - is to pass judgment
on the particular Terrible Thing haunting your relationship and tell
you objectively whether or not it's a worthy justification for ditching
your significant other. Which I would be happy to do - except it
won't make a fucking bit of difference to you. It's natural that
you ask - you really do sincerely want to know if someone else's unwillingness
to brush their teeth constitutes an Objective Justification
for leaving them. But you won't believe me no matter what I tell you.
I could tell you
that cheating is always wrong and you should always get out. I could
tell you that unfaithfulness is not so fucking bad. I could tell you
that your girlfriend has Major Issues and that you should ditch her.
I could counsel understanding and patience. But it will not solve
Because your problem
is not whether the other person's Terrible Thing is really a terrible
thing - your problem is that you can't fucking figure out whether
to stay or go! If I told you to go the part of you that wants
to stay would start whining and moaning and coming up with justifications
for staying and it would express the opinion to you that some idiot
on a website is not sufficiently qualified to understand the beautiful
and intricate complexities of your personal Relationship Hell.
If I told you
to stay, the part of you that wants to go would start howling and
screaming and sobbing 'but I don't want to be in this relationship....'.
No matter what I told you, you would doubt me and you would doubt
yourself. There's a decent chance you have been burdening friends
and family members with this dilemma for quite some time and yet
you are still chewing over it! And if you haven't been burdening
them, you've been burdening yourself to the point of exhaustion with
the same result. Your problem is not Terrible Thingness - it's indecision!
This is just pure
logic. If you weren't suffering from indecision, you'd have made your
goddamn decision and you wouldn't be bothering me, yourself, or anyone
else with it. People leave other people all the time - once they make
up their fucking minds to. People stay with other people all the time
- once they make up their fucking minds to. The truth is you've got
plenty of evidence that the thing you think is a Terrible Thing is
a terrible thing. You've also got plenty of evidence that it isn't.
Thus you are indecisive. You can't make up your goddamn mind.
My opinion isn't going to sway you. Incredibly unfortunately - you
are going to have to convince yourself instead of me. This
is hard fucking work - as you are discovering right now. But convincing
me won't do it - because I'm not going to dump your girlfriend for
you - no matter how much I might enjoy it.
This is incredibly
unfair and I certainly applaud you for your admirable attempt to get
me to do your work for you. And I would be happy to do it if I could.
I love making decisions for other people! Particularly people
I don't know where I won't suffer any consequences if I screw it up!
That's just good entertaining fun! But having watched you over the
years ignore my advice on these matters countless times in person
and over the internet, I have faced reality and realized I can't make
up your mind for you.
All is not lost
however! Because I can tell you how you can make up that
pathetic tortured mind of yours. This is so fucking great! This
is what you wanted all along! You just fucking wanted to know how
to make up your goddamn mind whether or not you should dump that goddamn
miserable person you are still somehow goddamn miserably attached
to even if you don't want to be which part of you actually does which
is why you can't fucking make up your mind in the first place!
Okay, now that
we have delineated the problem, I want you to start over and put the
question in its proper format. Like this:
I have a
boyfriend/girlfiend/mistress/lover/whatever and I can't fucking make
up my mind whether or not I should leave them. I keep going back and
forth with myself on this issue. On the one hand I want to and on
the other hand I really don't. Aaaaaarrrggghhhh! Fuck! Shit! I hate
this! I hate this goddamn indecision! This sucks! Everything sucks!
Fuck! Help me! Help me please! Damn it, help me now!!!
Very good. I honestly
think you did better on this part even than filling in the form above.
And I must say you have an incredible way with words. Such verve,
such style. Such raw naked passion. You must be quite a catch. If
you do leave, you are sure to be scooped up by a lucky successor in
no time. And if you stay, your significant other is bound to be bowled
over with admiration and appreciation once you get this problem worked
out. This is very encouraging.
All right. So
we're going to help you make up your mind. No matter who you are or
what your circumstances. We are going to do this by delving deeply
into the philosophical territory of mind making upness and relationships.
In the process we will cover the esoteric topics of "The Relationship
Emotional Pain Cycle" so familiar to many of us by experience
and the even more exotic "I'm In A Relationship, Where the
Fuck Did Reality Go?" topic that is currently bedeviling
We will dive deeply
into these topics and swim around in them for hours at the complete
expense of giving you any even vaguely useful advice as to what to
do actually do. We will do this for a Very Important Reason.
While you are swimming around in deep topics, you will be avoiding
your actual serious relationship problems. This is important because
dealing with your actual problems is hard and painful and not fun.
Whereas, avoiding them is lots of fun! Okay, now that we are
clear on that, settle back for a stress- and worry-free description
of your current relationship and how it got all fucked up. This is
going to be so great.