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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

Getting along with Mr. Fed Up & Mr. Fucked Up...

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Special Tips for Getting Along with Mr. Fed Up and Mr. Fucked Up:

  • The pretty fed up and pretty fucked up centers are meant to be enthusiastic, courageous, energetic, optimistic, well-trained and in good, lean, muscular shape. They are not meant to be vicious, surly, fat, lazy, back-biting and malicious. If these things are happening, they need to be taken out to the dog-run for some yelping, skampering, barking, ungrown-up fun. Dig some Fucked Up Shit out of your back-pack, you know you've got some in there. Toss it their way like a Frisbee, so they can race excitedly after it, leap up into the air and catch it for you. They love that shit. And you have to admit, even if it's kind of funny, it's also fun to watch and kind of impressive. Trot out your grudges and your petty resentments occasionally and let fucked up and fed up chew on them, chase them, worry them like a bone, growl and just generally do all that fun dog stuff.
  • The pretty fed up and pretty fucked up centers have as their original motto - 'To Protect and Defend!' not 'To Randomly Destroy Anything In Our Vicinity Out of Sheer Frustration'. So even if there is not anything particularly noteworthy going on in your life for them to protect and defend, it is still a good idea to play with fed up and fucked up. To go back to dogs - it is perfectly acceptable to play with your dog, so it can practice defending you. Get an old shoe, let it get it in its mouth, and then try to pull it out while it fights you and shakes its head back and forth and growls. Do this with old resentments or previous injuries you don't need anymore. Like this: I WAS TOO GOOD AT SPELLING, MRS. MONKCRACKER! I MEAN MRS. ASSCRACKER!' And so on. I WAS TOO....is a great old shoe to be used against anybody who has ever insulted you in the past.
  • Pretty fed up and pretty fucked up are team players. They are naturally bossy and aggressive, but they really like big projects and enjoy working with other members of your body's team, especially if they get lots of credit and the occasional medal for heroism and so on. To keep them happy and out of the bars, you can give them big projects to keep them busy even if you don't think much is going to come of it. You could for example, tell them, 'Work with the rest of the team to Improve Love Life!' Which could seem like a huge construction project and waste of public funds if you don't actually have a love life to improve. But they'll get right on it and work diligently to clear obstacles for you. And the fucked up and fed up commanders will say 'we are FED UP and FUCKED UP over the lack of adequate love life facilities here. I want a better apartment, snap to it, this is no fucking place to seduce a lady. I'm disgusted with you fellows. Get on it.' And much to your surprise, they will have you actually cleaning your apartment and installing furniture and investing in some sort of decoration other than half-smoked joints. You will really be surprised at the versatile talents of your personal soldiers. They will be whipping up home-cooked and delicious meals for you in no time if you give it to them as a project. It's a point of pride with them to do this shit and do it well. They can be rivalrous with your other Centers but they hate to let down the team!
  • Give your fed up and fucked up troops the occasional That Was Very Courageous Medal to keep them motivated even when they point out something you really didn't want to hear, like 'Your current lover constitues some seriously Fucked Up Shit.' 'Or you deserve a better job and it is your goddamn fucking husband (or mother, whoever) who keeps trying to convince you that it's not safe to try and that my friend, is ALL FUCKED UP!' Fed Up and Fucked Up get tremendously discouraged by lack of recognition and they will get all malicious and eventually try to fuck up your life by popping out at unexpected moments if they don't get enough attention. Save yourself a whole lot of trouble by taking them out to the dog run and yelling Good Dog! at them so they don't shit all over your carpet. Just a thought.
  • Keep them on their toes by treating them to the occasional dressing-down. Shout, 'What, are you a fucking moron! That's dangerous!' or 'That's stupid!' if they try to take you bungee-jumping for example, or suggest that you punch your boss in the nose. They respect authority and want to know you are paying attention. Occasional yelling makes them feel that you still care.
  • Keep in mind that their intentions are good but their tactics are sometimes short-sighted or not completely well-informed. Play president in your own mind and when they suggest 'Attack! Attack the mother-fucker! Nuclear submarines!', solicit advice from your Social Brain, and your Common-Sense module, and your Does This Really Work Skepticism Center. They don't really like to run everything because it makes them feel insecure. What they like to do is make big pronouncements about Fucked Up Shit and advocate for your welfare. They are really hoping someone who knows what the fuck they're doing is in charge and it shouldn't be them. They are troops, not Ministers of Fucking State.
  • They like arguing and being decisive, effective, and competent in executing a pre-determined plan. They would rather argue than reason, they like clear-cut facts and black and white contrasts. They want to be passionate and emotional in your defense and to know that some other Center is going to handle being reasonable and thoughtful. THEY LOVE YOU and they just want to show it by getting pissed off at anything that messes with you. Thus they do not like chaos, lack of structure, or lack of leadership at the top. They get extremely grumpy when they feel overworked or like they have to take all the load of making decisions for you. They can get really pissy with you in that situation.
  • They are not political animals. That's for your Social Brain. Don't torture them with nuances and nit-picky non-emotional little Practical Considerations. They can be cheerleaders, albeit sometimes cheerleaders with hairy legs. They can kick up those legs and shout 'WE WANT TO WIN!', but they can't go to department meetings and get fifteen policy wonks to agree on the definition of 'effective' in the phrase 'Effective Transportation Policy.' Don't make them try. They will just fuck it up.
  • They are meant to kick the ass of Fucked Up Shit, not innocent children and little puppies. They despise that picking on the weak and helpless stuff. They want worthy adversaries, decisive battles, and meaningful, sentimental and patriotic things to fight for. They do not want to kick puppies. They hate that shit. If you are using Fed Up and Fucked Up to scream at your 7-year old, they are going to despise you. They'll do it because you are Commander in Chief but they will not feel good about and they will make damn sure you don't either. You can try to shout them down when they protest or question your judgment, but will they not respect you and they will work relentlessly to see that you don't respect yourself either. A broken water heater is a worthy adversary - a little old lady with a cane trying to cross the street to get to her hair appointment is not. Scream at her 'Get out of the street you Fucked Up Bitch!' and they will call you a pansy and a wuss and a sorry little turd for the rest of your life until you apologize to them.

 

Enough! You and Mr. Fed Up and Mr. Fucked Up are going to have to have all kinds of happy fun with each other all on your own for a little while because I am tired now and so are you.

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