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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

The implacable politics of need....

Personal Angst
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So the universe operates on a nasty little principle that states if you feel like you really really need something the universe will go way out of its fucking way to make sure you don't get it.

Nothing creates resistance in the universe like needing something. You will experience this principle many times in your life and you will not like it. You will need love. You will need sympathy. You will need comfort. You will need money. You will need a job. You will need to be left alone. You will need respect. You will need help. You will need other shit you have not even thought of. And you will not get it when you need it. When you don't...oh hoh, it will come rolling in. Like riches to the rich. But not when you need it.

Someone, the Rolling Stones, I think, did a song where the chorus went something like...'you can't always get what you want, you can't always get what you want, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find....that you get what you need!'

This is completely wrong! Mick Jagger doesn't know anything! It may sound all philosophical and wise, like a Universal Maturing Principle of Reality That We All Should Face As We Grow Towards Philosophical Mature Wisdom, but the truth is much more idiotic and immature. It's the opposite. You can't always get what you need, but if you try sometimes, you just might find...that you get what you want!

People don't get what they need all the fucking time. Just take a look at poverty, a situation you are currently contemplating quite deeply at the moment. People experience it all the fucking time. Hordes of them, all around the world. They need fucking money. They need fucking help. They need a fucking job. They need a break. They need a leg up. They need to not be fucking starving. They need medical care and health insurance. They need the kindness and charity of others. They need assistance from First World countries. They need the fucking IMF and the World Bank and all those greedy fucking sons of bitches who have all kinds of shit to not be so fucking cruel. They need for their government not to be planting fucking land mines everywhere. They need to not be interrogated and tortured and shot for no reason. They need to take care of their families. They need to not be living under oppressive regimes. They need all kinds of fucking shit. They're not getting it. The richest 1% of the world has so much shit they can't fucking throw it away fast enough. They're drowning in it. The people who don't have shit aren't getting enough rice to live through the winter. And so on.

You know this. You may not like to think about it, but you know it. From your daily life. You know that being desperate for love turns off potential lovers. You know that suffering and unhappiness leads to a bad attitude which leads to a downward spiral of even more suffering and unhappiness. It's a scary thought. Because you are dependent on the universe and the universe is a cruel motherfucker. Everyone knows this and scrambles in whatever way they can to keep out of the bottomless pit where the universe just picks you up like a rag doll and throws you against the wall until it's tired of you. We all walk on the knife's edge and sometimes we just fucking fall off. You are dealing with this right now. That's why you are scrambling to get a job, so you won't fall all the way down. That's why you are pretending to have a nice attitude. So no one will know how close you are to teetering on the edge and so on. Everyone knows this. What everyone doesn't know is that while needing is fucking scary and downright excruciating, wanting is fucking powerful.

Wanting is insanely fucking powerful. The universe busts its butt to give people what they want. It even gives dead people what they want. This is confusing, particularly to us living folks, because it seems like people ought to want what they need. But people are strange little critters and what they actually want instead is what they actually want. Which may bear no resemblance whatsoever to what they need.

A simple yet macabre example. There was a Guatemalan kid, young, who died in Iraq as part of the American army. This kid had a massively rugged life. He was an orphan in Guatemala and got very acquainted with Dire Poverty, Incredibly Bad Shit, Sudden Death of People He Cared About and Not Having Parents to Love Him. He spent most of the years of his life intimately acquainted with this kind of thing. He needed all kinds of shit and the universe blithely didn't give them to him. And when it did give him things you'd think he would have needed, he often couldn't take advantage of them. He was too fucked up by not having for them for so long to figure out how to work them once they got near enough to be grabbed. Maybe he didn't want them anymore, love and happiness, because the stress of needing them for so long had worn him down.

There was something he wanted though, as a result of a lifetime of Bad Shit, and that was to help other Guatemalan orphans so they didn't have to go through the kind of hell he did. He wanted that a lot. A whole lot. It was his big thing. The thing he lived for. His secret dream. The thing inside himself he fed. For someone to understand. To understand how it felt to be an orphan like himself. He kept wanting that and wanting that and wanting that, even when there didn't seem much point to wanting anything. It was the part of himself he kept most alive. What he didn't particularly want to do was keep the rest of himself alive. Living was wearing him the fuck out and deep down he didn't necessarily see the point of it. This was oddly convenient because, as it turns out, he joined the American army and got himself blown to hell in Iraq. The Army, who didn't really even know him all that well, took it upon itself to give his surviving family a death benefit of something like $250,000 US dollars. That surviving family was his sister. She is using it to help Guatemalan orphans so they don't have to go through the kind of hell her brother did.

That kid didn't get anything out of life except what he wanted. And he was dead before he got it! And in greater abundance than he ever imagined. He never dared think as big as $250,000 US dollars. He didn't really want to live - and he didn't have to! He did want to make a difference in the world - and that's exactly happened. Even after the poor sucker was dead and gone, the universe arranged it, very neatly, so that it could give him more of what he wanted than he ever dreamed.

Now this may seem like a very terrible story - in which apparently, in order to get what you want, you will have to be blown to hell in Iraq in a shocking burst of accidental 'friendly fire.' And, admittedly, on your gloomier days, it may seem like that is exactly what the universe requires of you. But that's not really the point. The point is that the universe is completely fucking insane! It doesn't respond to philosophical mature shit. it responds to wanting. And in its own way, the universe liked this Guatemalan kid very very very much. Not because he was a good person, deep down. But because he wanted something against all odds, all evidence, and maybe even all common sense. The universe likes you too. And you don't even have to die to prove it!

You just have to transform your needs into desires. You are going to take your need for a job and turn into a desire for a job. You want a job. You would like a job. You would prefer a job. You think having a job would be really fucking neat-o! You are massively in favor of jobness.

This is going to re-write the entire fucking working of your brain with regard to this issue. Because with need you have to wait around to see if someone or something fucking fulfills it. It is a lack. It doesn't belong to you - it belongs to whoever or whatever has the power to fulfill it. A want, on the other hand, does belong to you. And your brain gets busy thinking how it's going to lay its hot little hands on the object of your desire. It calls up traits such as Determination, and Making it Happenness, and it churns away plotting how to minimize the discrepancy between what you want and what you've got. It plans, it plots, it strategizes. And even more fucking importantly, once it gets raring with a desire it stops fucking caring whether Other People are in favor of it or not. The next job you go after, maybe you're not so fucking qualified for it - who gives a fuck? - you want it. You fucking want it. When possessed by a want, the human brain doesn't stop until it gets it. When possessed by a need, it just suffers, pines, and mopes, and feels justifiably kind of sorry for itself.

Maybe Other People don't want to give you a job. Who cares? That's their fucking problem. You want one. You are determined to get one. Their not really giving a shit about you is just a blip on the screen, a temporary annoyance, something to be brushed away or got around.

The problem with wanting a job, or thinking you want one, is that half the time you really fucking don't. You interview, and you know you need one, but come on, for Chrissakes, look at this place, you don't really want to work there. However, you are going to get around this natural fucking obstacle to job-searching. Because you are going to reorganize your brain around the idea that you want it for some other purpose. The fact that you're not going to like it is completely irrelevant. You want it because you want to, in this case, feed your family. And you are doing what it takes to make that happen. If you want that to happen, no matter what shit the universe throws at you, you will make it happen. You cannot be deterred. You will go after what you want.

Needing something is done to stave off disaster and unpleasantness. Such as a hungry family. Disaster and Unpleasantness cannot always be staved off. You know this. The universe is rife with disaster and unpleasantness. You don't like it, but you know it. Which is why you feel a need. Wanting, on the other hand, is the opposite. It is an attempt to make something good happen. It is not an attempt to stave off hunger - it is an attempt to make happy well-fed familyness. The universe responds more favorably to this. A second ago it was being all cruel and pissy when you were whining, but my family will starve. And then you said - I want my family to be happy and well-fed!' And suddenly it perked up its ears and said - well that sounds like a good thing! We love good things! It could be fun to make this happen! And it gets all enthusiastic.

Einstein said that gravity wasn't really a force, it was more a curvature of time and space. Objects with mass, he said, distort the space around them, so that everything sort of runs downhill toward them. The planets are revolving around the sun because the sun's mass bent the whole universe around it and now all the planets are rolling downhill in a circle around it because it's way too much fucking trouble not to. Desire does the same thing. It distorts the universe around you - it bends it until the shit you want is eventually rolling helplessly downhill toward you because it's way too much fucking trouble not to.

Need, on the other hand, is more like a black hole. It sucks everything in and won't let any light escape. You can feel this sometimes, when you're really needy. It's like a black fucking hole of endless need and endless night. The universe gets huffy about that shit. It feels like you're trying to suck its energy away and take everything the fuck away from it and not give anything back. It gets its back up and tries mightily to resist being sucked into your black hole.

This is why you are not going to expect the universe to be nice to you, but you are going to expect it to support you. The universe is obviously not nice sometimes. It is reluctant to hand things out on a silver platter unless those things happen to be things you don't deserve and didn't know you really wanted. Some people have happy marriages handed to them on a silver platter and they didn't even ask for them, but they can't for the fucking life of them have children, which they are sure they cannot live without. So you are not necessarily going to expect the universe and all the Other People in it, to just jump up and say 'here! have a job! we're so nice! we're handing them out for free today!' They might. But you are not necessarily going to expect the universe to Be Nice for No Reason. Because strangely, the universe almost always has a reason even if nobody in their right mind can figure out what the fuck it is. Most of us, most of the time, haven't the faintest fucking clue how the damn thing operates. And we are not going to try to figure it out all at once here and suddenly create Universal Fucking Niceness everywhere you go, because for one thing, you are already busy trying to get a job and don't have time for that.

But we are going to expect the universe to support you. Because supporting you is a form of rolling downhill and as we already saw, if that's good enough for gravity, it's good enough for us. So just tell yourself that. That the universe will support you. Because it will. You're just setting things up that way. The universe doesn't want to fight gravity if it can more profitably amuse itself otherwise. And getting you a job is just the kind of puzzle it really enjoys! Once it doesn't have to worry anymore about being sucked into the black maw of your unending needs.

Think about this. If you were a job-hiring person and someone came in and said 'I really need this job,' you'd think to yourself 'do I look like I give a shit?' You might think that you wouldn't but you would. You'd get uneasy. You'd feel like the motherfucker was just trying to suck something out of you that he needed without giving anything back. You'd feel all out of balance and uncomfortable. You wouldn't like the person. Just because he had the misfortune of needing something. On the other hand, if someone came in and said 'I really want this job', you'd react much more favorably. You'd start thinking, great, this person is going to give us something -and we didn't even really get around to asking for it, he just waltzed right in and wanted to give it to us. But what you'd really mean is 'I'm rolling helplessly downhill toward this person's desires.' You'd start thinking it'd be a big hassle not to give it to him. Whereas with Mr. Need, you'd have been thinking what a big fucking hassle it would have been to give it to him. Use this principle to your advantage! Some people call this Showing Enthusiasm For The Job and sometimes it looks like that - but what it really is, is Distorting Time and Space to Your Will.

So let's be realistic about this. We are talking about Distorting Time and Space to Your Will. This is not something that necessarily happens overnight. Sometimes it does because time and space are not feeling all that energetic and they have nothing better to do than be distorted to your will. But frequently they are otherwise engaged being distorted to everybody else's will as well. The time and space around you may be all fucked up. It may take time to distort them into a shape you are more pleased with. But the wanting process will get the whole thing going. It will have consequences. You will have changed yourself and everything around is just going to have to fucking adjust. They may not want to - but they will. If the environment around you gets all bent out of shape during this process and starts looking really ugly as the other Wanting People in your field of influence start kicking and thrashing and clinging and trying to avoid rolling downhill toward you, while desperately trying to Distort Time and Space toward their own will - don't worry about it. Don't worry about it because you don't have to ask anyone's permission to want something. Not even the universe's. You can safely and securely continue wanting something whether anyone else likes it or not. Of course, you are going to worry about it anyway, you will get discouraged and think the universe is not moving fast enough, you are not made of stone, but keep wanting anyway. It will work. And you will not stop until it does.

And now that we have accidentally gotten you a job when all you really wanted to do was bitch for a few minutes, we are going to offer you, as a super-special bonus, some super-secret special bonus tips for dealing with need.



Now that you've got a job - you fucking hate it!

Now that you're unemployed again, it's time to investigate how fucked up you really are....

Now that you're all pissed's time to dump your girlfriend!

Special Vocabulary Word: Assholes

And just why do asshole guys get all the chicks?

More Vocabulary:

Fucked Up Shit

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