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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

Frequency, Duration, Location, and Publicity

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Okay, on to more invasive, prying, personal questions about your Fuckedupness.

We need to measure a few more dimensions in order to get a full assessment of your personal fuckedupness profile. So let's make some up!

How about - Frequency, Duration, Location and Publicity? Sounds good to me. So let's start.

Fucked Up Dimension No. 2: Frequency. Answer this question to determine your Personal Fucked Up Frequency. Same answering rules apply as before - whatever they were.

Quiz Question #2: How often are you personally in pain about your life?

a) Always.

b) Never.

c) Sometimes.

d) Pretty often.

e) Chronically, constantly, often, often, often.

f) How the hell should I know? Do I look like I run around asking myself that question all the time? Well, I don't.

g) Randomly, according to my mood.

h) On a pretty precise daily/weekly/monthly or yearly schedule.

i) Whenever I am about to get my period.

j) When certain pretty predictable things happen - like, I wake up.

k) Several times a day.

l) Oh I don't fucking know.

Very good. Now, for your score.

a) Congratulations! You are a Gloomy Exaggerator. Very good. This is a clever life strategy to minimize pain by pretending you are in more of it than you really are. Thus fooling God, that malicious prankster, and Other People, those happiness-stealing bloodsuckers. The only drawback is that sometimes you fool yourself and you actually don't get to enjoy your clever joke on the world.

b) Congratulations! You are a Liar. Along with everybody else in the world. But you personally are a Dogmatic Liar, not admitting to complexities likes Sometimeses and Maybes. This may be because you are Not Too Bright and have a hard time making out anything that's not Yes or No. Or you may like to think of yourself as a Firm and Decisive Liar, boldly staking claim to improbabilities. You may be a Harsh Liar who won't allow anything but Alwayses and Nevers into your own or anyone else's life. Or you just might like to pretend that you are one of these. At any rate, you are a Liar. Welcome!

c) You don't actually know how often, but you figure it's safe to say Sometimes. You don't want to be left out of the Fucked Up Derby and be all by yourself by saying Never. On the other hand, you don't want to commit yourself to anything by saying Always or A Lot. You are Playing It Safe with Fuckedupness because you figure it can be dangerous. And you are right. To up your score, though, and become more popular, you need to take a few more risks with fuckedupness. Go back and answer the question again and this time choose Often.

d) This is the average normal answer. You probably picked d) the last time too, didn't you? Honest, yet boring. You are living the American dream of ongoing intermittent pain that you don't really feel like doing anything about because you are so very very tired from living the American dream. Congratulations and welcome!

e) Okay, you have Life Arthritis in which all the joints of your life swell up and ache, particularly when something bad is going to happen. It's a real pain and debilitating and it wears you down and you definitely qualify for sympathy and a good seat at all the Fucked Up Club meetings and banquets. This is also a bold, definitive, and emotional answer so give yourself extra points for verve. Congratulations and welcome!

f) You have Advanced Life Arthritis and it's making you crabby. The correct answer to the question would have been, for those of you keeping score at home, 'Too Fucking Often, Thank You Very Much.' Welcome.

g) You either have Pinging Fuckedupness or Responsive Fuckedupness. If it's Responsive Fuckedupness then you are in good shape because your fuckedupness arises from your actual life circumstances as they occur, lasts as long as it needs to and then goes away. This allows you to be Moody and have a variety of sensations and generally get more out of life by going up and down and taking the occasional twist and turn and not sticking to the mind-numbing straight and narrow.

If it's Pinging Fuckedupness, then you're probably all right, but a little tired or a little overstressed or worn down and occasionally when this happens you will get pinged by some nerve pain about your life for no apparent reason. This can be irritating and inconvenient but it's not fatal and it keeps you on your toes. If you chose Randomly, According to My Mood along with d) or e) then give yourself some bonus points to up your Fucked Up score.

h) You have Rigid Fuckedupness, which is not all that rare, although most people have a hard time sticking to a schedule. This is usually biologically caused. It's a little weird and maybe freaks you out a bit and you may or may not want to do something medical about it. On the other hand, all the other answers could learn a trick from you and take the time to schedule the occasional burst of Pain and Fuckedupness just to let off steam.

i) Ah yes, you and a lot of other people. Cyclical Fuckedupness. This is nature's way of trying to tell Other People to leave you the hell alone sometimes. If they took that advice, it'd be a better world all around. Often however, they don't. Make 'em pay! Cyclical Fuckedupness can and usually does occur with any of the other answers.

j) Specific or Localized Fuckedupness. This is caused by specific things you don't like about your life. This is a good sign that you can still tell the difference between things you do like and don't like. Guard this precious asset by trying to kill whatever Fucked Up Shit is causing your Specific Fuckedupness. Congratulations and welcome!

k) You are both Normally Fucked Up and perhaps, depending on Intensity, More Fucked Up Than You Deserve. In an ordinary day, several Fucked Up Shit things should happen to get you All Fucked Up. If you can really tell, though, and it really feels like Every Day, then it's a bit much. It's not so much that it is every day, because of course, in real life you should experience some sort of pain every day or your body is not working properly and not doing its job. It's just that when it feels like every day and you're not quite capable of forgetting that it's every day, well that gets old. Congratulations and welcome, you are Solidly Fucked Up.

l) Okay, you are Frequently Fucked Up, often enough and bad enough that you can't even be sure whether your normal state is Fucked Up or not. You are definitely in pain and you can have a seat at the front at the meetings of the Fucked Up Club. Welcome!

All right, that question was so easy, you almost shouldn't get any points for answering it. But go ahead and give yourself some anyway. Randomly give yourself points between 0 and 12 for each answer you gave as well as each answer you might have liked to have given, various answers you considered giving, and a Random Bonus Answer just so you won't end the quiz without any points.

Okay, we are going to breeze through the next questions quickly or else you will be too tired at the end of the quiz to enjoy your final ranking. But remember to keep your thinking cap on because you are going to do some Math at the end.

Answer more questions to determine your Final Bonus Ranking....

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