The first thing
we are going to do in reviewing our options is pretend we
don't care that much about infidelity really and see if
that works for us and we can skip the whole mission to find a better
This is the
Is It Even Worth It to Try to Find Someone Who Will Be Faithful
to Me??? question. It happens to be exactly the question
you are asking yourself subconsciously and it is indeed perplexing.
So let's explore the ramifications and answer the damn sucker logically.
On the one
hand, we have the potential answer NO. Many people answer this
question 'no', so let's peer into their lives. Go along with them
for a moment and pretend that you too don't care that much about
someone you are having sex with having sex with someone else who
is not you.
I'm not really even going to try to find someone faithful Model
#1: The Hillary Clinton Model.
Lots and lots
of people tolerate cheating mates for long periods of time. Hillary
Clinton is one of them. The Hillary Clinton Model may not
work for you, but it works for her. It enables her to remain
in a relationship with someone who loves her and is a good dad and
writes books and was the President of the United States and all
kinds of shit like that and it also prevents her from having to
deal with divorce and being single and having gossip columnists
call her a lesbian because she can't get a date and so on. This
approach has its downsides, the question is whether or not the upsides
are better than the downsides. For many people, they clearly are.
it's time for you to tote up your own personal scoreboard! This
will make the website experience even more interactive for you and
isn't that a thrill! Get out a pencil and paper (not a pen because
you want to be able to erase your answers when you realize how embarrassing
they are) and make a nice little box that says Infidelity Scoreboard.
Make some decorations with your pencil around this title such
as pretty little flowers or a frighteningly incompetent rendering
of the fierce Georgia Bulldogs mascot or something. This will allow
you to put off thinking about Heavy Life Issues such as the Heartbreak
of Infidelity. Get bored with your drawings after awhile and move
on to filling in the scoreboard. Like this: Write the phrase - I
could put up with a cheating mate if.... and then
fill in your answers. You could put 'if I got like a million dollars
out of it.' Or 'if I had precious little youngsters and I did not
want them to go through the trauma of divorce.' Or 'if I was really
drunk all the time.' Or 'if I had a little something going on the
side myself.' And so on.
is a boring and depressing exercise!! But these are exactly
the kind of choices people make in real life all the time, often
completely by accident, and our purpose here is to make them on
paper, so we won't have to make them accidentally in life later.
If you are cool with infidelity in certain circumstances and are
clear on your attitude then it's entirely possible that you really
don't need to devote an excessive amount of time to trying to avoid
it. And if you don't try to avoid it - often times it doesn't show
up! How weird is this? Very weird.
infidelity is like anything else in life, it likes attention. If
you pay a lot of attention to it, it will be attracted to you and,
if you are very attentive to it, it will eventually want to move
in with you. There are complicated scientific reasons why
this happens having to do with quantum physics, natural selection,
and probability theory. But I am not going to explain any of those
now (thank God), the important point is that if you dwell on cheating
during a relationship, you run a much higher risk of cheating occuring.
If, on the other hand, you have already figured things out and have
a plan, then cheating may or may not occur, but who cares you already
have a plan and you don't care that much!
in some cases it may be to your advantage to have an unfaithful
spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend. This happens all the
time. Sometimes you can extort more money from a cheating mate.
Or sometimes the person they are cheating with pays lots of attention
to your cheating mate - which is great because then you don't have
to. And so on. There is a paradoxical quality to all this.
There have been times in my life when I've decided it would be fine
with me if the person I had been involved with for a long time slept
with someone else - because you know, I really wasn't that into
them after so many years. And so of course my long-term mate didn't!
Life is tricky that way. Extremely tricky. Which is why we are figuring
it out now - before you get married and it gets even more
All righty -
now that you've written down an embarrassing answer to the I could
put up with a cheating mate if... question, you need to look at
it. If you put 'never, I could never put up with a cheating lover
or spouse', you are kidding yourself. You sure as fuck could if
it was that or be responsible for the extermination of the entire
human species or something. There are always circumstances in which
you could if you had to. Don't kid yourself. The point
is, though, that you might not like to. This is an important but
subtle point in our overall strategy. Securing a faithful
lover must become a preference rather than an absolute.
If it stays as an absolute the entire strategy will get
fucked up and sure enough, you'll bind yourself in a marital or
other committed fashion to someone who will cheat on you. This is
a scary feature of how the universe works and we want to be very
respectful of it. Say to yourself, if it's true, "I would greatly
prefer not to hook up with a person who will cheat on me."
If, on the other
hand, you look at your answer and go 'well, the truth is, I would
probably put up with it in most circumstances and what the hell,
I could live with that, lots of people do' then be glad you figured
this out now and abort the mission. Because you've got one
less thing to worry about it in life and that's great.
Lots of people who don't really care that much about infidelity
end up with faithful partners. This is bad news and terrifically
unfair to the people who do care about it, but the universe
often rewards nonchalance in an unfair way. Personally,
I like this feature very much when I am nonchalant and I dislike
it a great deal when I am not.
problem for you is that it is much more difficult to become nonchalant
when you've been horribly burned by a bad experience. So
if you are not nonchalant and your answer to the questionnaire reveals
as much - i.e., that you really don't want to put up with unfaithful
mates, then acknowledge it. Like this: Take your pencil and erase
your answer. Or, if you didn't follow instructions and used a pen,
or if the subject has put you in a really bad mood, cross through
your answer very vigorously in an angry fashion and then erase it.
And then rip up that piece of paper with the stupid drawings into
little tiny pieces and throw it in the trash can. (If you are a
pyromaniac, you may burn it instead).
Got it? Throw
away your answer. Whatever it was, throw it away.
Because it doesn't matter anymore. Now you know that you could in
fact put up with cheating if you had to, but you don't want to and
so you are going to steer your life in the direction you actually
want it to go. It's very important that your brain understand
that you could make a choice to deal with infidelity.
If it doesn't undersand this, it will not be able to make a choice
to not deal with it. The human brain is just built so if
it doesn't understand the parameters of a situation, it gets fucking
lost. And particularly in cases where your poor brain has been fried
by bad experience, it will stay fixated on solving that old problem
until it either gets solved without intervention (might happen,
not likely) or you die. It will hone in on potential cheating partners,
stare at them fixedly with blatant curiosity and suspicion until
they get the impression that you are greatly attracted to them (which
you are) and then boomo! you will find yourself in a whirlwind romance
with heartbreak and betrayal once again. This is exactly
the pattern we want to cut short!
We want your
brain to very explicitly understand that we have solved at least
one part of the Infidelity Problem. Which is what the absolute worst
case scenario is. And that is - if you had to deal, you could and
you would. If you suspect your brain did not figure this out from
the previous exercise, then you'll need to repeat it until it does.
Do another Infidelity Scoreboard, skip the drawings and write in:
I could put up with a Cheating Mate if....I had to. Underline
this or otherwise emphasize it while your brain stares dully at
these words until they seem like a fact. Then go ahead and rip it
burden has just been lifted from your brain's shoulders and that's
a good thing. Your brain may still be glaring at me quite
suspiciously, not entirely convinced since it doesn't yet know how
exactly it is going to deal if it has to - but at least I have very
firmly informed it that it will in fact, deal if it has to. Case
Now we move
to (gulp) Facing a Bit More Reality until we're
done with the horrible thing. Which is the second step in reviewing
our options, solving another portion of the Infidelity Problem,
and deciding whether the hell it's even worth trying to find a faithful
Which brings us
to consider Infidelity Model #2.
not really even going to try to find someone faithful Model #2: As
long as you cheat by the rules.
A certain number
of people give this model a whirl. You could have, for example, the
No Publicity Rule. Wherein a mate can cheat so long as its not publicly
obvious or where they don't run around talking about it all the fucking
time. Or the You Can Cheat, But You Better Not Fucking Bother Me With
It Rule. Or the I Will Pretend I Don't Notice As Long As the Bucks
Keep Rolling In and the Kids are Taken Care Of Rule. Or the I Never
Noticed Rule. Or the As Long as I Am Part of The Totally Hot Threesome
with You and that Hot Guy/Chick Rule. Or the Only Within Our Swingers
Club Rule. Or the You Can Cheat But Don't Even Begin to Pretend That
You're In Love or Some Stupid Shit Like That Because You're Not Fucking
Getting a Divorce. Or whatever other kind of rule you might like to
establish. It works as well as anything in life ever does, which is
sort of okay a lot of the time, really not at all some of the time.
to any kind of rule is that occasionally someone else will get excited
and break it.
And then you will get very very pissed. This happens with any kind
of rule. You already have rules, unbeknownst to yourself, governing
all sorts of your other interactions. You might have a "I am
Black and You Are White and Therefore You Will Never Ever Refer to
Me as a "nigger". I can refer to myself any damn way I please
but you can't." And the way this rule will work is that almost
all of the time, almost everybody subject to the rule will follow
it. And then, every once in a while, someone will break it. And boy
oh boy will you be mad. Or the We Do Not Mention My Painful Past Struggles
with Drug Addiction in Front Of My Family Rule. Or the We Are Going
to Pretend I'm Not Overweight Rule. Or whatever. The point is you
have 'em, we all have 'em, we all know other people have them and
most of the time we try to honor them. Because we know if we don't,
someone will get upset.
But every once
in a while, someone will want to make someone else pretty damn upset
and they will get excited and break a rule. If you have a
rule and people are breaking it frequently, you don't have a rule.
If you have a 'no cursing in the house' rule as you are raising kids
and people are cursing, then you don't really have a rule. What you
have is a 'go ahead and break me because I like to get upset, it reassures
me that I am alive and people are around me' situation. Lots of people
have this situation because they do in fact like to get upset and
be reassured. But it's not a rule.
The key to enforcing
a rule is that when it is broken, you must pretend it never
happened. If someone says the forbidden thing, you ignore
it like a motherfucker. Freeze it out. Deny it with silence and lack
of reaction. Pretend away with deadly lack of response. This works
and it's what makes a rule a rule. No matter how upset a rule violation
makes you, in fact the more upset it makes you, the more important
it is to pretend it never happened. Rules enforced this way
get followed - even against long odds.
to Infidelity Rules as well. It may seem silly to bring this
up, but in fact it's vitally important. The reason it is vitally important
is that as a person who has been a victim of cheating you will be
desperately tempted to make up a 'Go Ahead and Break Me, I Like to
Get Upset' Rule. You will think you are making a very firm
NO CHEATING rule when in fact you are posting a sign that says 'I
Strongly Encourage Violations Because I Like to Get Upset'.
It's a good thing you are looking at this website now, because it
is really embarrassing and humiliating, not to mention confusing,
when you later figure out you were actually encouraging violations.
It will bum you out no end. And we want to spare you all that.
The reason you
will be so strongly tempted to post a 'Go Ahead And Violate Me' sign
is because you actually are upset. You are upset
about the previous cheating experiences, you're not finished being
upset and you don't want to quit until you're done. So you
will encourage people to make you upset because you didn't get your
fair, legitimate share of upsetness earlier. Perfectly natural.
But not really in your long-term interests.
So we go back
to our initial concept of making peace with rules. If you make a rule,
whether it is a No Cheating or a Cheating Must Take Place Within These
Parameters rule, you run the risk of it being broken occasionally.
In fact, it will be broken occasionally. You have your choice
of being really mad and hurt or ignoring it. You can get
really mad and hurt and continue the relationship - thus risking future
violations. Or you can get really mad and hurt and end the relationship,
thus short-circuiting the possibility of future violations.
You can ignore
it with astonishing coldness and continue the relationship. In which
case it will be difficult for the rule-breaking cheater to break the
rule again. Because as long as they're in the deep freeze, they didn't
really finish the process of breaking the rule the first time, which
makes it hard to properly start on a second time. In most cases, most
of the time, your typical cheater will want to wait until the freeze
thaws before embarking on a new adventure. Right around the time you
forgive them, they are able to start the build-up to the next cheating
episode. This means, essentially, you have to remain in a
permanent state of freezing suspicion and distrust. If you
can swing that, and you're willing to, you can exercise this option.
Or you can ignore
the violation and end the relationship. This is essentially
the Dealing by Refusing to Deal Strategy and it works like
any other strategy, which is okay if it suits your purposes, not so
okay if it doesn't.
- if you want to avoid the dilemmas involved in the rule-making process,
you are going to have to not make a rule against infidelity!
Sounds crazy I know. Which is why you pay me the big bucks. To explain
things to you that violate intuitive common sense in favor of strictly
adhering to logical common sense. It is inherently logical, and even
inevitable, that the presence of a rule at some point demands that
it be broken or what the fuck is the point of making it in
the first place?!
No one makes a
'no throwing pizza in the kitchen where the slices stick
to the ceiling' rule - unless by some bizarre chance
someone actually decides to engage in this behavior repeatedly. The
chances are quite good that you personally have never made a rule
about not throwing pizza in the kitchen where the slices stick to
the ceiling - and yet, I'll bet you've managed to navigate life without
a single instance of major trouble in this regard! It is often
the things we don't make rules about that leave us in blissful peace,
completely unaware of the dangers we don't have to protect ourselves
against. This is exactly where you'd like to be in regards
to cheating lovers but you're not. Someone has caused you major trouble
in this regard so you will be oh sooooo tempted to make a rule. This
is perfectly logical and you can do this and follow the structure
can forge ahead to the next step in the magical plan, bypassing rules
and their inherent dangers, as you move subtly yet gracefully towards
Advanced Relationship Management, experts only. Your call.
right, so first I face the fact that I can deal with that goddamn
cheating issue if I have to and then I face the fact that I can deal
with it by means of rules if I want to but what I really want to do
is find out how I don't have to deal with it at all! Is that the next
step or is there still more of that fucking reality to deal with?
Will this damn reality thing ever end?
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