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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

Oher People Lie....

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Special Completely Fucking Random Love Life Bonus Tips!

All right, as we established earlier the primary strategy for surviving your love life is to kill time and pain while waiting for Random Blind Fucking Luck to find you, make mad delirious love to you and leave a Perfect Mate behind as a parting gift.

To that end, you may want to engage in a popular yet frequently thoroughly unpleasant social activity known as DATING OTHER PEOPLE.

So let's kill some time by making up some random yet fucked up tips for surviving Dating:

Special Fucked Up Dating Bonus Tip No. 1:

Develop an Appreciation for the Fact That Other People Lie.

Continuous fucking lying is one of the super-duper best qualities of human beings. Other People engage in it constantly. Particularly while Dating. You know this - and yet somehow you frequently fail to believe it usually when it's most fucking obvious. This is just an endearing little quirk you have. Its only drawback is that every once in a while you figure out what a fool you are, get your heart stomped on, and develop the bitterness that is so popular in the Haphazard Veering Between Optimism and Bitterness Method No. 3) mentioned earlier. This is a good way to kill time but not your best method of killing pain.

Now, naturally you want to know why Other People Lie All The Time. So we will digress for a moment to address this important topic.

Other People Lie All the Time Because:

It's an inevitable by-product of being a social animal with an extremely large and hyperactive Social Brain. Other People lie all the time for the same reason you do. Because the Social Brain's natural default setting is to say to You: 'Don't be yourself, jerk-face! You tried that before and it didn't work. Pretend to be the kind of person you need to be to survive in a world full of ruthlessly dangerous yet incredibly necessary Other People. Lie, motherfucker, lie!'

And when you confusedly reply 'But don't I just need to be myself to find true acceptance and happiness in the world? Isn't that what they always say?' Your Social Brain will give you a long, hard searching stare until you become incredibly uncomfortable. And then it will say calmly, and for dramatic effect, 'Brian, take a look at the world out there. Does it actually look to you like you will find true acceptance and happiness as....YOURSELF!' And at the end, the big YOURSELF part, it will give you a sudden electric shock of fear that will send you jumping out of your skin. And you will say, 'Uh, no, I guess not. Maybe not.' And then your Social Brain will say very nicely, 'Of course not. Now what did we learn about lying about our True Self?' And you will say, 'Do it constantly, sir, constantly.' And then your Social Brain will give you a big hug and say 'That's my boy!'

This is because your Social Brain is a lot more realistic than people who babble mindless claptrap about Just Be Yourself. Of course, your Social Brain will not call you Brian if your name is Agatha unless you have some sort of a disorder in which you refer to yourself as Brian even when you're not. But that's a minor point. The major point is that you are a liar. And so is everyone else. This is a good thing, and will lead to lots of time and pain-killing fun leisure time activities for you while you wait around for Random Blind Fucking Luck to kiss you.

But first, we have to clear away two major obstacles to a true appreciation and enjoyment of Other People's Lies:

Obstacle No. 1: This lying business is a major, major point of confusion for people - many of whom are extremely busy being Pretty Fucked Up. And when you are pretty fucked up you are all private about being fucked up and feel all weird about it and all this energy going into feeling weird yet private naturally leads you to the conclusion that whereas you are lying and fucked up and weird, Other People are honest, and unfucked up, and normal. This is a completely understandable belief. It is also incredibly stupid. Other People are not honest, unfucked up, or normal. Other People are lying, fucked up, and weird. The fact that Other People are as fucked up as you are is a good thing. And if you haven't already figured this will be very very happy when you do.

Obstacle No. 2: Bitter Surprise. Many people randomly and unexpectedly stumble across the fact that Other People lie by getting bit real hard in the ass as a result of not catching on to the lying thing earlier. Then they get all horrified and bitter and decide that Other People are actually Horrible People and Not to Be Trusted. And sometimes they divide the world up into Exalted Beings Who Never Lie and Horrible People Who Always Lie, and sometimes they just clump the whole world into the Horrible People category. Either way they get all excited and completely lose the ability to tell truth from lies no matter who is telling it.

Most people are bound to go through a certain variant of this at some point or another, it is called Being Betrayed and it is a very popular life experience. It's also very unpleasant. And it can really kill your enjoyment of the wonders of human lying and obscure lying's true purpose, which is to try, however pathetically, to get along in the world and be a nice person and really it is not that Other People lie all the time, it is that they lie when they are afraid they have a reason to. Just like you.

The Bitter Surprise phenomenon really comes about as a result of feeling really fucking stupid, which is a universal human experience, but it's easy to get your panties in a wad about it, especially if you are already in the mood to be Pretty Fucked Up. And being simultaneously Pretty Fucked Up and feeling Really Fucking Stupid can lead you to the conclusion that you are hopelessly inadequate to figure out who is telling the truth and who isn't and to make wild-eyed random accusations and invest in idiotic Blind Faith in the Untrustworthy and so on.

Sudden Random Bursting Interjection:

What the fuck does all this lying crap this have to do with my love life and finding true love and bonus tips and dating and waiting for Blind Fucking Luck?! Why are you going on about this? Who cares?

Good questions. And I'm sorry I got all digression-y. But I kinda thought you would have figured it out. This Not Fucking Understanding Other People's Lies is a major obstacle to Finding True Love, not to mention a surprising and injurious effect of Dating for many people because it gets in their way. It Velcros them to the wrong people and generally makes it hard for Random Fucking Luck to find them because they are so busy fucking up their lives that it can't get a fix on them. Not that it's impossible to find True Love while being Hopelessly Fucking Naive, but why lower your chances.

Clear some shit out of the way so Luck can find you and entertain yourself in the meantime. That's the main thing actually, not the Avoidance of Unnecessary Pain, but the entertainment factor. Remember, we are actually just killing time.

All right, I'll bite. What makes Other People's lies entertaining?

Okay, let's say you are killing time with a little Method No. 2) Desperate, Frantic Searching and have decided to investigate personal ads as a means of subjecting yourself to Dating. Perfectly valid way to kill time while waiting for Method No. 1) to kick in.

And you are desultorily and not too desperately perusing away at the ads when you come across something like this: "I'm so romantic I'm a walking, talking Hallmark card. I know how to treat a woman right." And you, being a woman, think to yourself - 'A romantic! That's just what I want! Oh my god, maybe...maybe...I wonder if I should call or ... I had thought there were no romantic guys left. A man who knows how to treat a woman. This is too good to be true.' And so on. It is too good to be true and you are a complete sucker, but that's okay, let's move cautiously yet boldly through the steps of making Other People's lies entertaining and endearing.

Okay, so this is Step 1: Noting, observing, and paying attention to what Other People say. Good work. You have done that by reading the personal ad and getting all excited.

Now I want you to continue to kill some time by moving on to Step 2: Actual observation of the actions of the Other People who are doing the saying. Okay, so go ahead and cautiously meet Mr. Hallmark Card, undesperately, and not too excitedly, keeping in mind the importance of Non-desperation when engaging in Method 2. I know your mind is racing ahead to the wedding, but take a deep breath and calm down.

Step 3: (and this is hard but important) Get unstuck off yourself and pay attention to how things might look and feel from the point of view of the Other Person in question. Understanding that it is as natural as breathing for Other People and Yourself to lie - attentively and sympathetically observe what Mr. Hallmark Card might have to lie about. What kind of lies might Mr. Hallmark Card tell in his pathetic yet endearing attempt to get along and be a nice person in a world full of dangerous Other People.

Paying attention to Other People's Lies is just a sneaky, backhanded way of developing an Interest In Other People As Well as Yourself and this is a hobby that will provide hours of productive fun. No need to overdo but a spicy splash of Interest in Other People can greatly add to your Love Life even when Random Blind Fucking Luck hasn't kissed it yet.

Now, while you are off Dating Mr. Hallmark Card and finding yourself surprised and put off to discover that he is not what he said he was...we will be busy engaging in some armchair analysis of Mr. Hallmark Card's lies. For practice. On the off chance that we too will one day get a Date. And this is where we will greatly entertain ourselves with Other People's Lies while you are busy haphazardly veering between Optimism and Bitterness in your nascent soon to be ex-relationship with Mr. Hallmark Card.

We will point and laugh at Other People and their pathetic lies and just indulge in general hilarity. But don't feel too bad as you stumble through Dating. At least you stand a chance of getting laid.

Now, on to the fun!


oh goody! Armchair analysis and mockery of the things Other People say in their Personal Ads....


Related Content, Unrelated Observations and Random Fucking Links:

Why do Asshole Guys Get All the Chicks?

Why is it a good thing that Other People are fucked up, lying, and weird? That doesn't seem so good to me....

What's the best sexual position?

Special Vocabulary Words:

Your Social Brain. Helpful by-product of evolution or your worst fucking nightmare?

Other People

Pretty Fucked Up

Social Inhibition Mechanism


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