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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

Composing your Fax for Love....

Remember to Skip...

Now you may be wondering what the hell Lady Love is doing while all the Love Clerks are working their butts off and doing all the really hard work of matching. She is not eating bon-bons let me tell you! (Well, maybe occasionally; she likes those pastel fruity ones, don't ask me why, personally I think they're disgusting, but she likes them.)

Lady Love is actually out of the office most of the time, handling the logistics of Love. When the Love Clerk gives her a match, she takes it, pulls out her day-timer, makes a notation and then immediately jets off to wherever the lucky Love Matchee is and attempts to arrange a meeting between them and their Matchor. This can be very difficult work. Lady Love sometimes has to be quite a salesman as well as a logistical whiz.

Sometimes Matched Person #1 can be in Toledo, Ohio and Matched Person #2 can be in Cincinnati. Somehow she's got to persuade these two to meet and fall in love. She gets to work busily arranging conventions in Cincinnati and trips to see elderly aunts in Toledo and random collisions between rental cars and anything she can think of. Frequently people are very resistant to her efforts - they don't want to see their aunt in Toledo. They don't want to go to the stock car race or Sierra Club hike or hideous dinner party at which they will meet their Match. They try everything they can think of to wriggle out of it. The moment before meeting your Match is frequently filled with great resistance! It's almost as if you can tell and you are scared. No one blames for you this. But that doesn't meaning Lady Love won't kick you in the pants to make you go!

Sometimes getting the Love Matchees together is more difficult than getting the UN to decide what to order for take-out. It can be a tremendous amount of work. People have to lose jobs, move, attend funerals, fall down stadium steps so their Love Match will notice them and try to help them up - all kinds of fucking crap. The Love Logistics process can be just as time-consuming and difficult as the Love Matching process. Just another reason for you to get discouraged. Or, alternatively, to be hopeful. The Love Clerks may have already found your match and Lady Love may even now be in the process of convincing them to leave Singapore for the madcap vacation in New Zealand where they will meet you! No wonder so many people find romance on vacations.

Anyway, this is just a digression, so you will not be mad at Lady Love for making the clerks do all the work. She's quite a contributor herself!

Now you want to know how to compose your Fax so the Love Clerks will match you and Lady Love can get started making you fall down stadium steps! Very exciting! Let's get started.

Step #1: Get depressed.

Naturally you will want to avoid this step because it's well...depressing. Frequently you will want to stick to Hope, Bitterness, Fear and Resignation because they're such homey emotions. Depression, you fear, will force you to stare at the goddawful truth. And that would be pretty fucking terrible, especially compared to Hope.

Well, this could happen. In fact, it's why getting depressed can be very helpful in starting you on your way to Love Fax Heaven. Depression, in this case, is not bitterness and cynicism. It's not nearly that much fun.

Getting depressed merely involves sitting down somewhere, preferably somewhere comfortable in your home, and saying to yourself - 'You know what, I give the fuck up. Whatever the fuck True Love is - I do not have it.' Ditch Hope for a second, ditch the thought that you will find it someday and just sit down with the fact that you do not have it right now. Just admit it. Sit with it. Like this 'I do not have True Love.'

Some of you are naturally talented at this depression business and some of you are scared shitless of it. If you are scared shitless of it - bite your lip really hard right now, stare at your computer screen, and admit to yourself that you do not have True Love right now. Unbite your lip and mouth the words.

Ditch Bitterness, ditch explanations, ditch promises to try harder, ditch ideas of improving yourself, ditch analyses of the opposite sex, ditch everything your mind tells you about love, ditch every fucking thing.

No one gives a fuck (no one meaning you) why you don't have love. No one gives a damn whose fault it is or how you got to this place in your life. It doesn't fucking matter. The only thing that matters is that you don't have it right fucking now.

This is the first sentence of your fax to the Love Clerks: 'Dear Love Clerks, I do not have true love in my life right now.'

You do not want to gum up your fax with things that will confuse the Love Clerks like 'I'm kinda going out with this guy and he's sweet and everything but really boring and I was thinking, you know I kinda like guys that ride Harleys, they're probably bad for me, so maybe that's not a good idea, but you know what I mean, and I was just thinking if you could find me someone better than this guy who's really sweet and everything but just so boring, also if you could find someone who makes a lot of money but then he probably won't be the bad boy kind i like...oh never mind, I don't know what I want. Never mind. Sigh.... I"ll never fucking figure this love thing out.'

The Love Clerks will discard your fax in this instance! They will think you canceled your order!

To repeat: You do not want to gum up your fax by saying things like 'Dear Love Clerks, I really love women and everything but you keep sending me all these mean controlling ones that I don't really like except of course that they provide a lot of security, but they're psychotic, which I really don't think is my fault, I know some of them have said it was my fault, which seems unfair, but I don't really think the fact that I was completely shut down emotionally throughout the relationship actually caused the psychosis, I think that was pre-existing, well maybe it wasn't because we had good times in the beginning, well actually you know i am...i mean i have my own issues and um, so i was hoping for someone who didn't so we could spend the whole relationship on mine - wait! cancel that! i don't want to deal with my issues, that would be horrible, so i was thinking if you could send me someone to fix me without any effort on my part, no wait, i don't want to be fixed, why do i have to improved, that's exactly what i fucking hate about women, they always want to improve you! i fucking hate 'em! i hate 'em all! I'll fucking kill you miserable Love Clerks if you get me anwhere near a real one, I swear to god, I'm not going down that road again, no fucking way. And you can't make me!'

The Love Clerks will shake their heads, say to their colleagues 'another fucking loon' and practice their wastebasket jump shot with your Love Fax.

You don't want this. So skip the mind loops and open your fax with a simple statement of the facts: Dear Love Clerks, I do not have True Fucking Love in my life right now.


Step 2: State that you want it.

Notice that our chatty Love Fax blowing friends above not only skipped stating that they didn't have true love in their lives right now, by the time they got through talking to themselves, they were swearing on a stack of Bibles that they didn't want it anyway! Who wants to fulfill a Love Fax Request like this except out of spite (which does happen).

Sit down in your comfy chair in a relaxed yet depressed posture and state solemnly to yourself (with a big sigh for effect) I do not have True Love in my life right now - AND I WANT IT!

It's the contrast between the not having and the wanting that makes people avoid this step like the plague. It's painful. It's one thing to be pretending you're looking or thinking about bad previous relationships or hoping for good future relationships or explaining or justifying or analyzing or denying or anything else but sitting there realizing you do not have it and you want it.

Sometimes when you look at the not having it makes you want it so much much more. This is exactly what you want. It is a well documented fact that when faxing in your request to God, or the Universe or the Love Operations Center that pure, intense desire gets the higher-ups' attention. Pain works! Use it! We're talking your life here, use every advantage you can get!

The cold, hard look at the not having clears away all the bullshit and makes the wanting all pure and white-lighty so that it can be seen even from very high above the earth where the Love Operations Center resides.

Do not explain why you want it at this point. It doesn't fucking matter. Everyone does. You don't need a reason to want it. Just say that you do. Like this: Dear Love Clerks, I do not have True Love in my life right now. I want it. I really really want it. I want it a lot. I want it so much the feeling could split my heart in two right now and cause a big rip in my chest where all the blood and everything else will spill out.' (Okay, actually you don't actually have to go into details about blood and so on. You can if you want to. If they're true, you can add any kind of gory details you want.)

You can say things like 'Love Clerks, I am so tired, so incredibly tired of wanting and not having that I don't think I can take it anymore. I am in despair. I don't know what to do. I only know that I want it and I do not have it.'

Sincere despair works! No need to be afraid of it. Sincere despair is your love friend!

Step 3: State that you do not know how to obtain True Love in your life.

This, like the other facts in your fax, should seem really obvious, but frequently it isn't. Often it will seem like you ought to know how to get it, as though it were a life skill like tying your shoelaces or finding a good parking spot. This underlying belief will make you try really really hard when in don't fucking need to. It will make you beat yourself up and use phrases like 'my previous failed relationships', when you don't really need to. Believe me, plenty worse people than you have found True Love, and their fucking life skills didn't have anything to do with it.

So go ahead and confide in the Love Clerks what you might be reluctant to confide to others - You don't fucking know how to get True Love! Like this:

Dear Love Clerks, I do not have True Love in my life right now. I really really want it. I have been wanting it a long time. I want it so much it makes my teeth hurt. I don't know how to get it. I don't know what to do. I am in despair here. I would really like your help. Please help me, Love Clerks, please.

How can they resist a direct appeal like this???? They can't.

Putting it like this also lets your brain know that it is not your responsibility any longer to find True Love. God what a monkey off its back that is! You are putting it in the hands of the Love Clerks now. It's their responsibility, it's their problem, it's their worry, it's their job.

Putting it in the hands of the Love Clerks will allow you to go out into the world having ditched Hope in favor of Faith. This is a good deal for you. Because while you may screw things up and have to bear all the resulting burden - if the Love Clerks scew things up at least it will not be your fault! Major advantage. You don't need to be carrying around a lot of things that are your fault, no one does. But if you are the one responsible for finding True Love for yourself, every fucking move you make is a potential disaster, just fucking waiting to hang the albatross of Your Fucking Faultness around your neck! No wonder your relationships are torture. One false move and you're carrying it around your whole fucking life.

This is why you have the conflicted relationship with Love and the Universe that you do. On the one hand, you feel like you ought to take responsibility, on the other hand, you are really fucking mad that someone else isn't! It's that old dilemma that everyone faces when they are dependent on outside forces for their fate or comfort -on the one hand, they want to suck up to those forces and get on their good side. On the other hand, they want to fucking punch them in the face for not doing a good enough job.

Your Love Fax is going to allow you to do both. In lieu of punching in the face, you are just going to dramatically press home your point to the Love Clerks that you want love! And in lieu of sucking up, you are going to ask for help.

Note that you have not explained why you deserve love. This is a classic sucking up technique often used with parents and bosses and so on. Skip it. As far as the love clerks are concerned, it's not why you deserve it, it's why you want it. The 78 year old lady they all went out of their way for? Not a word about why she deserved it - she was too old and too beaten down by life to even think that way. No, she just explained who she was and told them how much she really really wanted to experience some True Love before she died. Melted their fucking hearts!

Just think how much less effective her fax would have been if she'd gone on and on how about she thought she was a good person and had sacrificed her life for her family, yada yada yada. The Love Clerks get that kind of shit all the time. They're not impressed. Skip the justifications.

(Secret Bonus Tip: When the Love Clerks get a fax from somebody claiming to be a good person, they secretly suspect that person is not. If someone claims to have tried really hard or tried everything, they know they haven't. Someone claims to 'have a lot of love to give', they know what the person means is they want to get a lot of love, not give it. If you insist on using these kinds of phrases in your fax, say instead 'I feel like I have tried everything...' and so on. At least that way you're not lying. They still know what you mean but at least they feel like you were trying to be honest and not deliberately trying to pull the wool over their eyes the way you do with everyone else, including yourself.)

Okay, now you're in good shape. You've turned the burden over to the Love Clerks.

Now we get to the creative part. The first part was just formula but now you get to tell the Love Clerks a little bit about yourself. This is where you go wild and let your personality shine through! What a big responsibility! Will you blow it?

Not with to guide you....



What will you tell the Love Clerks about yourself????.....

Related Content, Unrelated Observations and Random Fucking Links:

How Can I Find Love?

Why do Asshole Guys Get All the Chicks?

Now that I have a girlfriend, how can I dump her?

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Your Social Brain. Helpful by-product of evolution or your worst fucking nightmare?

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