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Faxing in your loooove request....

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Special Bonus Tip #1 for killing time and pain while waiting around for that goddamn fucking whore Lady Luck to find you, kiss you, and bless you with your goddamn fucking soul mate!

Fax in your love request!

Yes, it's true. It is a little-known fact that Random Blind Fucking Luck resembles a Chinese deli in that it takes fax orders, especially during the lunch rush. You can actually have love delivered to your door for a modest extra charge. The downside is that during busy times you can be waiting a long, long time and getting very fucking hungry in the meantime. You can even end up wondering if she has completely forgotten about your order!

Here's how it works. Random Blind Fucking Luck of the Love kind operates out of a Love Operations Center. Lady Luck presides in a queen-like and very impressive manner over an unfortunately small staff of interns and entry-level Love Clerks. Lady Luck, just in case you wanted to know, is a well-dressed woman of interdeterminate age, not too young, not too old, glamorous, sophisticated, inimidating, beautiful, busy, imperious (obviously comes from money), kind, successful, smart, and possessing an infinite wardrobe of really great shoes. The shoes alone would kill ya if you ever got a chance to see them. But you don't, so the fact that she still has great legs even though she's been in business for a long, long time won't mean much to you either.

Now Lady Luck and her small staff have a population of about 6 billion people give or take to match up. Fortunately, at any given time, a whole bunch of them are already matched up with someone. Billions and billions of them. Unfortunately, many of them are matched up with the wrong person. So Lady Luck and her staff start from scratch with each person, even if they are already matched up. This is why love will frequently knock on the door of someone who is already married and for whom finding true love will be incredibly inconvenient, resulting in the horrendous loss of just about everything they had in life. Sometimes people will commit adulterous affairs with their true loves, resulting in social condemnation, loss of status, and boatloads of trouble for them. But they'll do it - toss away everything if they have to because - it's love! It's worth it. Sometimes, of course, true love will come knock on the door of the otherwise committed and after much suffering and internal debate, the Lovee will reject the True Love Opportunity in favor of other values in life such as duty, children, morals, social convention, financial stability, and so on. This is a legitimate choice. True Love doesn't trump all other values, it is valuable but not the only thing. Great hair, a sunny disposition, an uncanny ability to time the stock market and wonderful friends all are very valuable things to have too - but sometimes other values take precedence and you will give these things up for Good Health, or a Chance to Help Others or whatever seems most important to you at the time.

Meanwhile, from Lady Luck's point of view, the inconvenience true love can cause is just too bad. Love is love and it strikes when it strikes. She can be extremely impersonal about this and not very solicitous of your social welfare. Love just is what it is from her point of view. It can even strike when you are not looking for it! It can strike when you didn't particularly even want it. It can strike when you had resigned yourself to living without it. It can strike when you had decided that life was probably better without it. It can strike whenever it fucking feels like it.

This quixotic character of love leads to Justifiable Love Paranoia Fear #1: What if I go ahead and settle for something or someone more or less kinda sorta resembling love and then the real fucking thing comes along right when I have made a fucking commitment to the Wrong One! Ay!

This justifiable Love Paranoia Fear #1 underlies a lot of the so-called Fear of Commitment frequently commented on by people who like to comment on such things. The Fear of Commitment syndrome is accurately labeled in that there is a real fear of commitment entailed. But the fear is actually just pretty surface frosting on the underlying Cake of Knowledge that the person they are afraid of committing to is the Wrong Fucking One! Fear of commitment looks a lot nicer and has all kinds of pretty swirls and decorations and sweetness that make it much more enticing to babble on about than the brutal truth - Of course I'm fucking terrified of committing to you! I don't fucking love you! You're not the One!

If you are currently involved with someone who has seems to have a fear of commitment, you can quickly speed up your experience of rejection and heartache by getting it through your head that the person doesn't want to commit to you because they are pretty goddamn convinced underneath it all that you are not the fucking One. They don't love you. Or they may love you, but they don't looove you.

Take it from someone who has vigorously not committed to any number of lucky fellows. The person who isn't committing isn't committing because they don't fucking want to. They want an out. They want an out because the thought of committing themselves to you for their entire life makes them want to put a rope around their neck and jump off a chair. They don't love you.

Of course you don't want to hear this. You love them. It is tremendously unfair that they don't love you. Or maybe you don't love them, but you still want someone to love you. Or maybe you just want a fucking commitment and to stop fucking worrying about love and to start fucking worrying about joint tax returns.

Besides, they may act like they love you sometimes. They may even love you sometimes. But you're not the One. They know it. This is disappointing. This is outrageous. This is unfair. This is the truth.

When it's love - people commit. Sometimes they commit to getting in an argument every other day and breaking up every other week. Sometimes they commit to acting like a fool. Sometimes they commit to screaming at the one they love while everyone else shakes their heads. Sometimes they commit to marriage. Sometimes they commit to moving to Antarctica together to convert the seals to Christianity. There is no fucking telling what people will commit to when love hits them. But they'll commit.

This is why you can be in a relationship with Mr. Gorgeous for 7 poignant years of hoping for marriage, finally break up with him when he tells you flat out and finally 'Im just not ready for that kind of responsibility in my life' and before the door's finished banging him on the butt he's married a 37 year old with 3 kids and moved to Miami to help her run the family hair salon business. Before you even took a deep breath, the fucker's married, married and happy, married and completely different, married and blissfully unconcerned with your seething bitterness. It wasn't that he wasn't ready for marriage - he didn't want to marry you.

Uncommitted people can be great - especially when you don't want to commit to them either - because they're not the fucking One. But don't kid yourself - when someone doesn't want to commit to you - it's not love they don't want to commit to - it's you. This is true even if the uncommitted fucker you got involved with for a few months or years has had this same pattern of non-commitment in their 17 prior relationships. That just means there were 17 other fucking people that weren't the One for him or her either.

This doesn't mean that sometimes people won't commit after some initial hesitation. Love sometimes takes a while to grow. Sometimes people will just fucking commit when they're ready to commit and that's when they'll do it. If you are hoping to jolly things along in the commitment area, the last thing you want to do is have a 'Why You Don't Really Love Me Because You Have All These Doubts' conversation but that is exactly the conversation you should be having. This is way more productive than the 'why won't you commit?!' conversation. That will get you fucking nowhere. Whereas, facing the Why You Don't Love Me issue can actually open the door to True Love which was otherwise hiding behind the You're Not the One screen. If you can handle them not loving you and having doubts, for some reason, the Uncommitted One is far more likely to think you'll be able to handle it when they actually do. They are secretly scared you can't handle the truth and they are secretly reasoning that if you can't handle the truth then you Must Not Be the One. A frustrating line of reasoning perhaps, but not necessarily an idiotic one.

Okay, enough on Justifiable Love Paranoia Fear #1 and your understandable fear of committment. Back to the Love Operations Center and Lady Luck with her diligent staff of green Love Clerks.

Lady Luck and her staff run a giant lottery operation with a little ping-pong ball for every person on the planet (even kids and old people). That's 6 billion ping-pong balls! Where they found one of those lottery air poppers big enough to hold 6 billion ping-pong balls I don't know. They are very resourceful, those Love Operations staffers.

Every day, around noon I think, they all gather round for the lottery air-popping ping-pong ball choosing ceremony. They set the lottery ball air popping machine going until it has spit out 6 ping-pong balls, each one representing someone on the planet. These 6 are the people the Love Staff is going to try to find True Loves for.

Using your advanced math skills, you will have noted that at this rate, 6 per day, it will take 1 billion days before every person gets their ball popped. With 365 days in a year, we're talking over 2.7 million years before everyone is taken care of. Of course you can divide this in half because each person will be matched with someone else, but....still....1.4 million years! Ouch! No wonder true love can be so hard to find sometimes.

This is precisely why you want to fax in your request. Here's how it works. The 6 for the day are popped, right around lunch time. Then the Love Clerks get diligently to work and sit down at their desks and start poring over their gigantic Love Maps to find a suitable mate for the person represented by the ping-pong ball they got assigned to. This takes a while. They've got the entire human fucking population to sort through. It's tedious work. Of course, they have software that uses matching algorithms to help them sort through, but still a lot of it is intuition, experience, and talent. And since these people are still lowly Love Clerks, it is difficult work building up those skills. These are some dedicated Love Clerks. Each clerk, at any given time, may have a stack of 150 ping-pong balls they have been assigned to, held in little ping-pong ball holding slots on their desk.

This little description should get rid of your Justifiable Love Paranoia Fear #1. The chances that your ball is going to come up just at the moment you have committed to someone else is actually relatively small. It could happen but....you don't really have to worry about it. The main reason for not committing to someone is good old fashioned reason #1 for not committing - you don't want to. Stick with that and you should be safe.

The lottery method also explains why love strikes people around you so randomly. Ping-pong balls can be popping all over your neighborhood as the clerks clear out a backlog of 1000 or so in relatively short order - so that everyone seems to be getting their number called but you! It's an awful, lonely, left-out feeling and you should indulge it by feeling very sad and sorry for yourself. It's a perfect opportunity for these emotions so be sure not to pass it up!

Feeling sad and sorry for yourself will also put you in the proper mood to fax in your love request. Because there is more to the story of the Love Operations Center than the ping-pong ball lottery. As we noted before, matching up the ping-pong balls is tedious work. That's why the Love Clerks love to take fax requests!

All day long people from around the world are faxing in urgent, heartfelt pleas for love, sometimes with long, detailed personal histories attached, photos, and other supporting documentation. The Love Clerks pick up these faxes throughout the day and read them. They love doing this because it is a break from their regular work. They read them and laugh and yell out to their fellow clerks 'Hey guys, get a load of this one!' And the clerks gather round and make fun of the guy with the ugly hair plugs who has faxed in his desperate plea for love. And then they are all overcome with pity because they are softhearted Love Clerks after all.

They read people's harrowing stories with interest and a little gratitude they are not regular people on planet earth and they share these difficult stories with their fellow clerks as well - 'Listen to this one from this lady with breast cancer and 3 kids, this is really rough.' And then all the other clerks crowd around to hear the story and grimace 'ouch, she got a bad hand from life, man that's tough.' And so on. This is what adds emotional drama and human interest to their days as Love Clerks. Without these faxes, it'd be nothing but impersonal ping-pong ball matching all day. The ping-pong balls didn't even ask for love!

Furthermore - remember all these clerks are trying to match their existing stack of ping-pong balls to someone. Naturally they look to the fax requests first. How much easier is it for them if instead of having to run the computer against all 6 billion people, they could just pull out one of these fax requests and make an instant match. They could actually make someone happy that way. So all the Love Clerks are eager to get and read the faxes. Sometimes a Love Clerk will pull a fax and say 'I think I've got someone for this one.' Sometimes no one's ping-pong balls will be a good match and they'll post the fax on the bulletin board as a reminder if they run across someone who fits.

The Love Clerks will also talk about and speculate on some of the better fax requests on their breaks and when they are just generally hanging out trying to solve problems in their work. They'll run potential solutions to the Love Fax Requestor's problems by each other. Sometimes they will even sluff off on their regular work to try to find someone for a Love Fax Requestor! They're not made of stone, the Love Clerks, naturally there are some Love Fax Requestors that everyone ends up rooting for. And certainly, while they are running their matching algorithm software on the regular ping-pong ball people if they happen to stumble on someone for a Fax Requestor, of course they will take advantage of it and declare MATCH!

This is a very exciting moment in the Love Operations Center when one of the Love Clerks stands up at their desk and shouts MATCH! This is what they all live for, what they all work for, and of course they all come over to see the Match and congratulate the lucky clerk. Sometimes they even stand around munching on snacks and talking about the success. A clerk's gotta eat!

It is much more exciting for them when the Match is a fax requestor than when it is just a regular ping-pong ball. Sometimes when it is a ping-pong ball, they don't even announce, they just put it in the slot for Lady Luck to pick up on her daily run. That's just business as usual. But let's say there's been a fax on the board for long time from a 78 year old lady dying very slowly and painfully of bone cancer, who's never had True Love, and who has asked very sincerely and not too arrogantly if she could experience it before she dies. Well, let me tell you when one of the Love Clerks finds a Match for this one, everybody stands up and celebrates. There is whoo-hooing and relief and exhilaration all around and 'how did you do it?' success questions, and 'who did you find?' and a little jealousy of the Love Clerk who found the match because all the other Love Clerks kind of wanted to find that one too. The Love Clerks are big softies. They really really want to find a Match for all their Fax Requestors. Thank god for their big hearts.

The Love Clerks will take a fax from anyone, rich or poor, old or young, ugly or pretty, mean or nice, softspoken or aggressive, All Fucked Up or Boringly Well Adjusted, giddy or bitter, romantic or cynical - you name it. They accept fax requests from everyone.

So now that you know how much the Love Clerks want to get your fax request - the question becomes how should you compose your own personal Fax Request for Love for maximum personal value?

Composing your Fax Request for Love....

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Now that I have a girlfriend, how can I dump her?

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