Tip #1 for killing time and pain while waiting around for that goddamn
fucking whore Lady Luck to find you, kiss you, and bless you with
your goddamn fucking soul mate!
in your love request!
Yes, it's true.
It is a little-known fact that Random Blind Fucking Luck resembles
a Chinese deli in that it takes fax orders, especially during the
lunch rush. You can actually have love delivered to your door for
a modest extra charge. The downside is that during busy times you
can be waiting a long, long time and getting very fucking hungry in
the meantime. You can even end up wondering if she has completely
forgotten about your order!
Here's how it works.
Random Blind Fucking Luck of the Love kind operates out of a Love
Operations Center. Lady Luck presides in a queen-like and very impressive
manner over an unfortunately small staff of interns and entry-level
Love Clerks. Lady Luck, just in case you wanted to know, is a well-dressed
woman of interdeterminate age, not too young, not too old, glamorous,
sophisticated, inimidating, beautiful, busy, imperious (obviously comes
from money), kind, successful, smart, and possessing an infinite wardrobe
of really great shoes. The shoes alone would kill ya if you ever got
a chance to see them. But you don't, so the fact that she still has
great legs even though she's been in business for a long, long time
won't mean much to you either.
Now Lady Luck and
her small staff have a population of about 6 billion people give or
take to match up. Fortunately, at any given time, a whole bunch of them
are already matched up with someone. Billions and billions of them.
Unfortunately, many of them are matched up with the wrong person. So
Lady Luck and her staff start from scratch with each person, even if
they are already matched up. This is why love will frequently knock
on the door of someone who is already married and for whom finding true
love will be incredibly inconvenient, resulting in the horrendous
loss of just about everything they had in life. Sometimes people will
commit adulterous affairs with their true loves, resulting in social
condemnation, loss of status, and boatloads of trouble for them. But
they'll do it - toss away everything if they have to because - it's
love! It's worth it. Sometimes, of course, true love will come knock
on the door of the otherwise committed and after much suffering and
internal debate, the Lovee will reject the True Love Opportunity in
favor of other values in life such as duty, children, morals, social
convention, financial stability, and so on. This is a legitimate
choice. True Love doesn't trump all other values, it is valuable
but not the only thing. Great hair, a sunny disposition, an uncanny
ability to time the stock market and wonderful friends all are very
valuable things to have too - but sometimes other values take precedence
and you will give these things up for Good Health, or a Chance to Help
Others or whatever seems most important to you at the time.
Lady Luck's point of view, the inconvenience true love can cause is
just too bad. Love is love and it strikes when it strikes. She can be
extremely impersonal about this and not very solicitous of your social
welfare. Love just is what it is from her point of view. It can even
strike when you are not looking for it! It can strike when you didn't
particularly even want it. It can strike when you had resigned yourself
to living without it. It can strike when you had decided that life was
probably better without it. It can strike whenever it fucking feels
quixotic character of love leads to Justifiable Love Paranoia Fear
#1: What if I go ahead and settle for something or someone more
or less kinda sorta resembling love and then the real fucking thing
comes along right when I have made a fucking commitment to the Wrong
justifiable Love Paranoia Fear #1 underlies a lot of the so-called
Fear of Commitment frequently commented on by people who like
to comment on such things. The Fear of Commitment syndrome is accurately
labeled in that there is a real fear of commitment entailed. But the
fear is actually just pretty surface frosting on the underlying Cake
of Knowledge that the person they are afraid of committing to
is the Wrong Fucking One! Fear of commitment looks a lot nicer and
has all kinds of pretty swirls and decorations and sweetness that
make it much more enticing to babble on about than the brutal truth
- Of course I'm fucking terrified of committing to you! I don't
fucking love you! You're not the One!
you are currently involved with someone who has seems to have a fear
of commitment, you can quickly speed up your experience of rejection
and heartache by getting it through your head that the person
doesn't want to commit to you because they are pretty goddamn convinced
underneath it all that you are not the fucking One. They don't
love you. Or they may love you, but they don't looove you.
it from someone who has vigorously not committed to any number of
lucky fellows. The person who isn't committing isn't committing
because they don't fucking want to. They want an out. They want an
out because the thought of committing themselves to you for their
entire life makes them want to put a rope around their neck and jump
off a chair. They don't love you.
course you don't want to hear this. You love them. It is tremendously
unfair that they don't love you. Or maybe you don't love them, but
you still want someone to love you. Or maybe you just want a fucking
commitment and to stop fucking worrying about love and to start fucking
worrying about joint tax returns.
they may act like they love you sometimes. They may even love you
sometimes. But you're not the One. They know it. This is disappointing.
This is outrageous. This is unfair. This is the truth.
it's love - people commit. Sometimes they commit to getting in
an argument every other day and breaking up every other week. Sometimes
they commit to acting like a fool. Sometimes they commit to screaming
at the one they love while everyone else shakes their heads. Sometimes
they commit to marriage. Sometimes they commit to moving to Antarctica
together to convert the seals to Christianity. There is no fucking
telling what people will commit to when love hits them. But they'll
is why you can be in a relationship with Mr. Gorgeous for 7 poignant
years of hoping for marriage, finally break up with him when he
tells you flat out and finally 'Im just not ready for that kind of
responsibility in my life' and before the door's finished banging
him on the butt he's married a 37 year old with 3 kids and moved to
Miami to help her run the family hair salon business. Before you even
took a deep breath, the fucker's married, married and happy, married
and completely different, married and blissfully unconcerned with
your seething bitterness. It wasn't that he wasn't ready for marriage
- he didn't want to marry you.
people can be great - especially
when you don't want to commit to them either - because they're not
the fucking One. But don't kid yourself - when someone doesn't want
to commit to you - it's not love they don't want to commit to - it's
you. This is true even if the uncommitted fucker you got involved
with for a few months or years has had this same pattern of non-commitment
in their 17 prior relationships. That just means there were 17 other
fucking people that weren't the One for him or her either.
doesn't mean that sometimes people won't commit after some initial
hesitation. Love sometimes takes a while to grow. Sometimes people
will just fucking commit when they're ready to commit and that's when
they'll do it. If you are hoping to jolly things along in the commitment
area, the last thing you want to do is have a 'Why You Don't Really
Love Me Because You Have All These Doubts' conversation but that
is exactly the conversation you should be having. This is way
more productive than the 'why won't you commit?!' conversation. That
will get you fucking nowhere. Whereas, facing the Why You Don't Love
Me issue can actually open the door to True Love which was otherwise
hiding behind the You're Not the One screen. If you can handle them
not loving you and having doubts, for some reason, the Uncommitted
One is far more likely to think you'll be able to handle it when they
actually do. They are secretly scared you can't handle the truth and
they are secretly reasoning that if you can't handle the truth then
you Must Not Be the One. A frustrating line of reasoning perhaps,
but not necessarily an idiotic one.
enough on Justifiable Love Paranoia Fear #1 and your understandable
fear of committment. Back to the Love Operations Center and Lady Luck
with her diligent staff of green Love Clerks.
Luck and her staff run a giant lottery operation with a little
ping-pong ball for every person on the planet (even kids and old
people). That's 6 billion ping-pong balls! Where they found
one of those lottery air poppers big enough to hold 6 billion ping-pong
balls I don't know. They are very resourceful, those Love Operations
day, around noon I think, they all gather round for the lottery air-popping
ping-pong ball choosing ceremony. They set the lottery ball air popping
machine going until it has spit out 6 ping-pong balls, each one representing
someone on the planet. These 6 are the people the Love Staff is going
to try to find True Loves for.
your advanced math skills, you will have noted that at this rate,
6 per day, it will take 1 billion days before every person
gets their ball popped. With 365 days in a year, we're talking over
2.7 million years before everyone is taken care of. Of course you
can divide this in half because each person will be matched with someone
else, but....still....1.4 million years! Ouch! No wonder true love
can be so hard to find sometimes.
This is precisely
why you want to fax in your request. Here's how it works. The
6 for the day are popped, right around lunch time. Then the Love Clerks
get diligently to work and sit down at their desks and start poring
over their gigantic Love Maps to find a suitable mate for the person
represented by the ping-pong ball they got assigned to. This takes
a while. They've got the entire human fucking population to sort through.
It's tedious work. Of course, they have software that uses matching
algorithms to help them sort through, but still a lot of it is intuition,
experience, and talent. And since these people are still lowly Love
Clerks, it is difficult work building up those skills. These are
some dedicated Love Clerks. Each clerk, at any given time, may
have a stack of 150 ping-pong balls they have been assigned to, held
in little ping-pong ball holding slots on their desk.
description should get rid of your Justifiable Love Paranoia Fear
#1. The chances that your ball is going to come up just at the
moment you have committed to someone else is actually relatively small.
It could happen but....you don't really have to worry about it. The
main reason for not committing to someone is good old fashioned reason
#1 for not committing - you don't want to. Stick with that
and you should be safe.
method also explains why love strikes people around you so randomly.
Ping-pong balls can be popping all over your neighborhood as the clerks
clear out a backlog of 1000 or so in relatively short order - so that
everyone seems to be getting their number called but you! It's an
awful, lonely, left-out feeling and you should indulge it by feeling
very sad and sorry for yourself. It's a perfect opportunity for
these emotions so be sure not to pass it up!
and sorry for yourself will also put you in the proper mood to fax
in your love request. Because there is more to the story of the
Love Operations Center than the ping-pong ball lottery. As we noted
before, matching up the ping-pong balls is tedious work. That's why
the Love Clerks love to take fax requests!
All day long people
from around the world are faxing in urgent, heartfelt pleas for love,
sometimes with long, detailed personal histories attached, photos,
and other supporting documentation. The Love Clerks pick up these
faxes throughout the day and read them. They love doing this because
it is a break from their regular work. They read them and laugh
and yell out to their fellow clerks 'Hey guys, get a load of this
one!' And the clerks gather round and make fun of the guy with the
ugly hair plugs who has faxed in his desperate plea for love. And
then they are all overcome with pity because they are softhearted
Love Clerks after all.
They read people's
harrowing stories with interest and a little gratitude they are not
regular people on planet earth and they share these difficult stories
with their fellow clerks as well - 'Listen to this one from this lady
with breast cancer and 3 kids, this is really rough.' And then all
the other clerks crowd around to hear the story and grimace 'ouch,
she got a bad hand from life, man that's tough.' And so on. This
is what adds emotional drama and human interest to their days as Love
Clerks. Without these faxes, it'd be nothing but impersonal ping-pong
ball matching all day. The ping-pong balls didn't even ask for love!
remember all these clerks are trying to match their existing stack
of ping-pong balls to someone. Naturally they look to the fax requests
first. How much easier is it for them if instead of having to
run the computer against all 6 billion people, they could just pull
out one of these fax requests and make an instant match. They could
actually make someone happy that way. So all the Love Clerks are eager
to get and read the faxes. Sometimes a Love Clerk will pull a fax
and say 'I think I've got someone for this one.' Sometimes no one's
ping-pong balls will be a good match and they'll post the fax on the
bulletin board as a reminder if they run across someone who fits.
The Love Clerks
will also talk about and speculate on some of the better fax requests
on their breaks and when they are just generally hanging out trying
to solve problems in their work. They'll run potential solutions to
the Love Fax Requestor's problems by each other. Sometimes they
will even sluff off on their regular work to try to find someone for
a Love Fax Requestor! They're not made of stone, the Love Clerks,
naturally there are some Love Fax Requestors that everyone ends up
rooting for. And certainly, while they are running their matching
algorithm software on the regular ping-pong ball people if they happen
to stumble on someone for a Fax Requestor, of course they will take
advantage of it and declare MATCH!
This is a very
exciting moment in the Love Operations Center when one of the Love
Clerks stands up at their desk and shouts MATCH! This is what
they all live for, what they all work for, and of course they all
come over to see the Match and congratulate the lucky clerk. Sometimes
they even stand around munching on snacks and talking about the success.
A clerk's gotta eat!
It is much more
exciting for them when the Match is a fax requestor than when it is
just a regular ping-pong ball. Sometimes when it is a ping-pong ball,
they don't even announce, they just put it in the slot for Lady Luck
to pick up on her daily run. That's just business as usual. But let's
say there's been a fax on the board for long time from a 78 year old
lady dying very slowly and painfully of bone cancer, who's never had
True Love, and who has asked very sincerely and not too arrogantly
if she could experience it before she dies. Well, let me tell you
when one of the Love Clerks finds a Match for this one, everybody
stands up and celebrates. There is whoo-hooing and relief and
exhilaration all around and 'how did you do it?' success questions,
and 'who did you find?' and a little jealousy of the Love Clerk who
found the match because all the other Love Clerks kind of wanted to
find that one too. The Love Clerks are big softies. They really
really want to find a Match for all their Fax Requestors. Thank god
for their big hearts.
The Love Clerks
will take a fax from anyone, rich or poor, old or young, ugly or pretty,
mean or nice, softspoken or aggressive, All Fucked Up or Boringly
Well Adjusted, giddy or bitter, romantic or cynical - you name it.
They accept fax requests from everyone.
So now that
you know how much the Love Clerks want to get your fax request -
the question becomes how should you compose your own personal Fax
Request for Love for maximum personal value?