Quite a refreshing break from the "normal" self-help. I'm
sharing it with everyone I know as fast as humanly possible.
which I'm guessing you've heard before is:
How do you
know it's love? In a romantic sense, I mean. And if it isn't love
should I be wasting my time? I care deeply about my family, friends,
girlfriend, but I don't particularly notice the "warm fuzzies",
"head over heels", or some other such well noted sensation
in my Private Reality that suggests love. I'm just afraid that I'll
never FEEL love, because I don't know what I'm looking for. What am
I looking for? What? What? How will I know when I find it? What if
I never do? What if.....? Do you see what I'm getting at?
questions. And ones that should have been addressed on this site a
long time ago. But nobody thought to ask them, so I never thought
to answer them. But now you have and so I will. Or will try to at
Okay, so there
are two basic types of "Is It Love?" questions that
people generally ask themselves (and sometimes ask other people).
The first type is Startled and Alarmed. The second type is
Guilty and Disappointed.
when a person says to himself or herself "What was that feeling
I just had? Oh shit, was it...love? Fuck! I didn't plan for
that! This could potentially screw up a whole bunch of shit. And yet...it
was such a pleasant sensation..." The answer to this type of
"Is It Love?" question is yupperoony, it's love. Sorry,
and good luck!
Guilt and Disappointment
occur when a person says to him or herself "You know, considering
the circumstances, you'd kinda think I'd be experiencing some love
feelings at this juncture and yet I'm kinda sorta not. Maybe
they're there and I just can't tell! Yeah, that's the
ticket. They're there and I just can't tell. That would be better
than trying to figure out what kind of a defective and maybe even
downright horrible person wouldn't have love feelings at this appropriate
point in time. The only kind of worrying thing is...I'm kinda not
feeling 'em. At all. Hmmmm...."
The answer to
this Is It Love? question is a bit longer. First, we must assuage
the Nagging Suspicion of Possible Defectiveness and/or Horribility
by noting that--Sure, you might be defective! Lots of people
are. Wouldn't be the first time. It isn't like, oh you know, they'd
do some big TV special on you or build a reality series around you
or anything. Because they've already built so many reality series
around Defective People of Various Types that even if you did
get your own series for Being Defective, it would be on like the "Zero
Viewers Network" or something.
What I'm telling
you here is that even if you are defective, you've got so much competition
in the Defective Person category that you don't even rate. Sorry.
You gotta ask a more original question than the Guilty and Disappointed
Is it Love question to be noticeably defective, especially since about
half the population over age 30 of any Major Industrialized Nation
will ask itself this question repeatedly and sometimes with ever-increasing
So not feeling
noticeable love sensations during socially appropriate circumstances
(such as you know, a relationship or a marriage or something) is not
Defective Enough To Really Matter. So we can't look for our answer
So we'll look
for it in the harsh and brutal world of Reality instead. And the harsh
and brutal reality is that yeah, actually you probably do have some
of those socially appropriate 'love' type feelings that you just can't
tell you have because let's face it, socially appropriate love feelings
are about as boring as a nap during a long lecture on the Origins
of Astronomy in Ancient Greece and sometimes actually even more boring
And the equally
harsh and brutal truth is that if you are asking yourself in a Guilty
and Disappointed Manner if maybe you love someone even if you can't
fucking tell, then it doesn't matter that in some ways you kinda do.
matters is that you are Guilty and Disappointed. And you are disapointed
because you want something better and guilty because you're kinda
thinking maybe you shouldn't.
of the Guilty and Disappointed! Sub-category A of
the Guilty and Disappointed is the Primarily Disappointed and Only
A Little Bit Guilty, also known as Young Person's Guilt and Disappointment.
In this sub-category, the youthful body, teeming with zest for life
and a need for Chemical Experience, is pointing out to the Mostly
Disappointed Young Person that the feelings he or she is experiencing
are Not Very Extreme and that this is a Less Than Ideal state
of affairs because it is crucial for a person's heart to experience
Extremes of Emotion in order for it to work right later in
It just is. Little
kids have to jump on the bed and spin around until they get really
dizzy in order to experience Extremes of Motion. If they don't do
this, their little brains don't develop right and then my sister who
is a professional Brain Fixer for Youngsters has to force the recalcitrant
little undeveloped youngsters to jump on the bed and spin around until
they get really dizzy. It's a matter of calibration. By the same token,
experiencing Extreme Love That You Can Really Notice and that Makes
You Want to Jump on the Bed and Also Kinda Feels Like You Are Spinning
Around Until You are Really Dizzy and Maybe Even Kinda Sick to Your
Stomach is how the human heart calibrates itself for Productive and
Rewarding Romantic Relationships. Or something like that.
So the Primarily
Disappointed Person is responding to the physiological need for a
more extreme sensation of love in order to make their heart work right
by asking the Disappointed Is This Love Question.
B of the Gulity and Disappointed Askers About Love is the Mainly
Guilty and yet Even More Disappointed, also known as Old Person's
Guilt and Disappointment. In this case, the question arises because
the person, not unnaturally, would like to be able to actually feel
love if they're going to experience it, and yet they are not, even
though they seem to have achieved a Very Desirable Thing, namely the
presence of someone in their life who is a) socially acceptable, b)
not certifiably evil and c) provides security. The prospect of throwing
over the security of being attached to someone who is not certifiably
evil and who is basically socially acceptable is very guilt-producing
and makes the sensation of being disappointed at not having stronger
feelings all the more poignant.
C of the Guilty and Disappointed is the Very Guilty and Very
Disappointed, also known as the Can Occur At Any Age Guilt and
Disappointment Phenomenon. In this case, the need for stronger physiological
heart stimulation is very high at the same time that the terror
of throwing over security is very high also!
Name your sub-category! You have 30 seconds starting
You are correct and can move on to the bonus rounds of Guilt and Disappointment.
For our first
bonus round, we will consult the experts. Experty-type experts
will tell you sincerely and yet in a Vicious Lying Manner that you
should not be bored by boring socially acceptable love feelings that
you can't really even tell that you have, but what they really
mean by their advice to accept your boring socially acceptable love
feelings and soldier on in your boring socially acceptable romantic
circumstances is this: "Oh grow the fuck up and leave me alone!
Do you have any fucking idea how difficult it is to find someone who
is socially acceptable, not certifiably evil and who provides security?!
Well, if you don't, let me tell you about my first husband. Hoh boy,
talk about certifiably evil!" And so on. In other words, they
are telling you that Extremes of Emotion are Just Not Possible in
Concert with Socially Acceptable and Secure Lack of Certifiable Non-Evilness.
This the dilemma
that folks around the globe face--wondering if it is true that Extremes
Of Emotion are just not out there for them, and whether or not they
ought to just give up and settle for security of some sort. And it
only gets worse for people as they get older as the Heart's Compelling
Need to Make Itself Dizzy and Sick waxes and wanes throughout the
Evolutionary Life Cycle, often at very inconvenient times.
And yet, in spite
of all the angst, the answer to the question is excruciatingly simple.
If what you
want is security, then just go ahead and pick that, doofus! Duh!
It's not against the fucking law. At least not so far. Stop worrying
about whether or not it's love, toss the guilt and disappointment
in the trash and proceed down Security Lane until you get to a dead-end
and go 'oh wait, I've changed my mind. Now I want Extremes of Emotion.
Whoops! Never mind! Hey listen, socially acceptable non-evil person,
thanks for all that security you gave me up til now. Take care and
everything. And oh yeah, I'm taking the dog but you can have the cat.
This is a perfectly
normal life pattern, and at some point, you will probably engage in
some exercise more or less like this, so as an experty-type experty
person, I'm telling you to go ahead and stop worrying about it. You
can worry about it later, when you see how much the divorce lawyer
As for the rest
of you (and yes, that means you, my friendly email querent), we're
going to have to embark upon an entirely more Interesting and Rewarding
Path, by which we mean, of course, we're going to have to fuck
up your life.
We are going to
do this by moving you Away From Disappointment and Towards Guilt
by having you experience the Extreme Emotion known as Falling
In Love. Yes, I'm sorry, but that's what we're going to have
So before we jump
off that really scary diving board, let's review the Inescapable Logic
by which we arrived at the conclusion that you are just going to have
to fall in love, dude, Socially Appropriate Romantic Circumstances
or not. Because really, brother, you deserve to have that sensation
before you die or get all old or something else terrible happens.
Really, you do. I have decided that on your behalf. I have also decided
that you can have that sensation, and I will even tell you how to
Logic: First, we determined that you have not been Accidentally Startled
and Alarmed by Unexpected Love. Then we determined, by a rigorous
process of elimination, that you were in fact Guilty and Disappointed,
perhaps even Very Guilty and Very Disappointed, due to the presence
of socially acceptable but virtually indetectable feelings of love
or whatever that you can barely even notice and that certainly don't
make you feel like your Heart is Dizzy or Maybe Even Going to Throw
Then we determined
that you don't really want security more than you want Extremes of
Emotion because you kept on reading even though I told you that you
could just roll over and give up already and not worry about the pathetic
lack of Noticeable Feelings in your life until later or whenever.
Nope, in spite
of the fact that I promised you that you could keep the dog, you kept
on reading, because your eager heart wants those goddamn Extremes
of Emotion and is in fact so desperate for them that it snuck on to
your computer and sent me an email in hopes that I would help you
learn how to experience them. Or it snuck onto your computer and went
web-surfing when you should have sleeping just so it could figure
out how to persuade you to pursue Falling In Love or whatever the
hell it was your heart did that brought you to this page because it's
just so fucking tired of not even being able to tell if this goddamn
relationship you are in is like love or something or if it's maybe
it's just like a complacent habit that will doom you to an eternity
of Being Stuck In A Relationship That Doesn't Produce Noticeable
Okay, so now,
take a deep breath. Especially if you've never experiened Extremes
of Love Emotion (colloquially known as Falling in Love) or if you
haven't experienced them in a long time and need to get limbered up
again. Because we're going to start at the beginning. Just like my
sister, the Brain Fixer, we are going to engage in a Heart-Fixing
process that will force it through a developmental process that will
eventually include Joyous Jumping on the Bed Sensations, Feeling
Like Your World is Spinning Until It's Like You're Really Dizzy Sensations,
and Sick Sensations of Extreme Longing. Along the way, your questions
about what you are looking for and so on will be more or less answered.
Sounds like incredible fucking fun, doesn't it?
So let's begin
the Falling in Love Process Whether You've Actually Decided that
You Want To and You're Ready and Everything Or Not with my patented
"Start at Step 1:" process by starting at Step 1.
On the next page.
do we look for when we look for love? Such a philosophical question
and yet such a simple answer ..