How can I find
love, a mate? How can I, huh? How, how, how? Also, when? Thanks.
Being as it is, not only pretty fed up, but also very Frequently Asked.
The when part
we can answer quickly. The answers are:
Not as soon as you would like.
About the time you have completely fucking given up.
As for the how
- there are three very popular methods. They are:
Random Blind Fucking Luck. Popular worldwide since the beginning
of time, celebrated in song, dance, and art, this is everyone's
Desperate, Frantic Searching. Equally popular but often somewhat
embarrassing as it carries with it the potential stigma of loser-ness.
This is why you naturally feel somewhat defensive about admitting
that you are looking for love on AOL as it implies that you are
not so inherently fucking attractive that random blind fucking luck
has rushed up to smother you with kisses, dote and coo all over
you, and then tra-la-la along leaving True Love behind in its wake.
Being that you chose AOL to parade to your not inherently fucking
attractive-ness, it also implies to some that you are really
desperate and not very hip.
that as it may, it can be hard not to feel that if Random Blind
Fucking Luck really loved you, it would have given you someone perfect
by now. Although a close examination of people who have experienced
random blind fucking luck reveals that they are not so different
from everyone else except that they got really fucking lucky.
major key to surviving Method 2) with your social status intact
is to appear that you are Searching but neither Desperate nor Frantic.
It is well known that True Love gets the creeps around Desperation
and Franticness and shudders all over its body when it's around
Poor Desperate You and acts as if it finds you really disgusting.
unfortunate rejection by Random Blind Fucking Luck just when you
need her most often leads to a rather unpleasant and sometimes long-standing
underlying anxiety about the potential for a long-term relationship
between you and Random Blind Fucking Luck or anyone else for that
this happens your Social Brain starts to say things to you when
you are alone and lonely and horny and desperate and frantic: 'Jeez,
your name here, what is wrong with you? Are you really that fucking
hideous? It doesn't seem like you should be, because you didn't
start out intending to be, but the way Random Blind Fucking Luck
is treating you, it sure is starting to look like you are. In fact,
now that I look at you and your life closely you are really starting
to creep me out. God, no wonder no one fucking likes you.
Jesus Fucking Christ, can't you do something about your awful personality.
Like hide it for Christ's fucking sake? Jesus, you are giving me
a bad name here. Listen, whatever you do, don't let on to anyone
what a loser you really are, okay? I'll never fucking live
is not very nice of your Social Brain and we want to take steps
to make it stop, but that will be in another FAQ. When I get around
to it. Meanwhile, we'll just observe that the universally acknowledged
phenomenon of Random Blind Fucking Luck giving you the cold shoulder
when you are desperate has given rise to a multitude of people who
will give you tips for appearing confident and cool and hard to
get and so on.
also gives rise to the urban legend that Asshole
Guys Get All the Chicks because they appear so undesperate,
unfrantic, uncaring, and to the nice guy eye, so seemingly unattractive.
This isn't exactly true, it only really really looks like it is,
but it's a complex subject and is itself the topic of a separate
but related FAQ.
Now it's time
to move on to Popular Method for Finding Love No. 3
Haphazard Veering Between Optimism and Bitterness. Very very popular
method. It's especially appealing for those who are too lazy to put
continuous determined effort into Trying to Appear Cool when they
are desperate and yet are not completely willing to give up all faith
in Random Blind Fucking Luck. Method No. 3 has the advantage of being
extremely easy to implement, requiring only a modest investment in
mood swings. This method can be applied before, during, after and
in-between actual relationships that may or may not have some resemblance
to love. It is handy, portable, and adaptable to a wide variety of
personality types. If you haven't found love and you haven't tried
method No. 3, give it a whirl as a soothing, restful alternative to
the rigors of Method No. 2.
Alternative Popular Method!
Bonus Alternative Method 4): Giving Up and Just Fucking Settling For
Anyone Who'll Have You. Warning! This method frequently leads
This isn't really
a method for finding love so much as it is a method for not fucking
looking anymore. Nevertheless it frequently leads to long-lasting
relationships, including relationships with a reasonable modicum
of compatibility, practicality, decency, civility, pleasantness
and sex. Children may or may not be included. The only thing missing
is the actual L-word itself.
feel that marriage is actually better if the L-word is missing,
since love is complicated, messy, chemical, shifting, exhilarating,
energizing, and risky. Some experty-type people will advise you
to choose a marriage partner based on all sorts of irrelevant criteria
like 'Ability to Communicate,' 'Compatible Interests,' 'Shared Value
Systems' and a whole bunch of other crap like that. These are people
who are in a very very bad mood with Random Blind Fucking Luck and
they just want to tell everyone - 'Oh for Christ's sake, will you
stop being so fucking sentimental?'
Don't be fooled,
though. If these people get kissed by Random Blind Fucking Luck,
they will drop everything in a heartbeat to go chasing after it,
and furthermore, if they catch it, they will dance around joyously
like Snoopy and will never quit fucking talking about how goddamn
wonderful their Random Blind Fucking Luck True Love turned out to
be. Random Blind Fucking Luck trumps Boring Practicality no matter
what game you're playing.
should I personally use? I am about at the point where I am strongly
considering Special Bonus Alternative Method No. 4....except that
I can't find anybody who will have me. What do you suggest? Any Special
Oh sure, we got
your Special Bonus Tips for ya. But first, we should point out that
your sentimental favorite is always going to be Method 1) Random Blind
The entire strategy
for finding love really consists of ways to kill time and pain while
you are waiting around for Random Blind Fucking Luck to find you and
say - 'Oh Jesus, did I miss you? God, I'm sorry, I thought I had you
all squared away years ago. It's all this fucking paperwork, you know.
I get behind and then I can't remember who I've kissed and who I haven't.
All righty then, here you go. Ooh I think you're going to like this...
someone very unlikely. Oh shit, that's my cell phone. Ta ta.
Gotta go. (into cell phone) Listen, buddy, I told you you'd get your
turn when I got around to it. (pause) Oh yeah, well for your information
mister, I'll get around to it when I fucking feel like getting around
to it. And at the rate you're going, buddy, I'm not going to feel
like getting around to it for a long, long time. Got that, hotshot?'
And so on.
are disoriented, bewildered and dazed by the random twists of fate
through which Random Blind Fucking Love finally kissed you and if
you have been waiting long enough, you are feeling appropriately unworthy
of your much-delayed good fortune. Sounds ideal, right?
But first we gotta
get you through that miserable period while Random Blind Fucking Luck
is busy doting on other people and not you.
And for that we
have an incredible array of completely fucking random (and I do mean
competely fucking random) Special Bonus Tips for killing time and
pain while waiting for Random Blind Fucking Luck to decide whether
or not to kiss you.
Content, Unrelated Observations and Random Fucking Links:
do Asshole Guys Get All the Chicks?
that I have a girlfriend, how can I dump her?
Social Brain. Helpful
by-product of evolution or your worst fucking nightmare?
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