why do women ignore the perfectly nice and stable boring guys or even
worse, go out with them, marry them, develop a scathing hatred for
them, abuse them, dump them, and then divorce them?
This happens all
the time. Normal boring guys can't seem to find love - everyone ignores
them, even when they have seemingly impressive assets, like a good
job, a nice home, a stable personality, and a good reputation.
Or, even more
commonly, normal boring people get together, get married, get a life,
have kids, and then engage in a long drawn-out bitter divorce in which
immense quantities of pure hatred are unleashed, all out of proportion
to the stature of the normal boring people who are experiencing them.
Why do women treat boring guys so badly, both before and after
having sex with them? Why the hatred? Why do things go so wrong?
reason is that boringness signals an inability to love. This
little flaw is a big problem for both sexes when they encounter it in
a potential mate but it shows itself a little more socially explicitly
evolutionary brains put a big premium on the ability to love or get
strongly attached because the presence of the ability to love deeply
indicates the kind of chemical makeup of someone who could make deep
or difficult sacrifices on behalf of children or the needy and vulnerable.
Women's evolutionary brains value this highly because the world being
the way it is, they figure that such sacrifices are probably gonna be
necessary at some point. Shit happens, children require sacrifices,
war happens, and it requires sacrifices, people get sick and have to
be taken care of, resources get low and things look bleak - and women
want someone who will stick by them through all that because they figure
they're going to fucking need it. There's nothing like an evolutionary
brain realizing that if it's going to reproduce it had better figure
on having some helpless hungry little ones clinging to it for a long
time to make it really fucking perk up when it sees someone it thinks
will help them when they need it.
want someone who will get so fucking attached to them that they'll stick
with them even when common fucking sense and self-interest would argue
against it. They want an irrational attachment that will outlast all
the bad fucking shit life has to offer and just bond itself to them
chemically come hell or high water. Men want this too but their systems
for perceiving this are slightly different than women's. So women want
to be loved - not just loved but loved a lot, not just loved a lot but
beyond all common fucking sense, not just beyond common sense but deeply
into the kind of irrationality that would make a man risk his fucking
life to go off to war just to protect her and the kids. Women's
evolutionary brains want to see that you're the kind of guy with the
attachment chemicals that would make you go into a fucking burning building
to pull out your child. If you don't have these kinds of chemicals,
their brains are at first disappointed, then frustrated, then threatened,
then rageful, then murderous - and then finally, if you survive all
this, contemptuous and dismissive. If you can't fucking hang, their
evolutionary brains don't want you.
may or may not be to your advantage. You may or may not have these chemicals.
You may or may not want to go into a burning building to rescue your
child. The problem is that boring guys do their absolute fucking
accidental best to convince everyone that they have no fucking chemicals
whatsoever, let alone ones that would allow them to really love
someone. Get someone like this into a marriage and let them prove that
they don't and things can get really ugly. Lack of chemicals in
a marriage can have dire consequences! It's not just that the
woman who will eventually divorce you for this reason will try to take
all your money, it's that they will want to make you miserable for the
rest of your life as a way trying to prove to you that not having chemicals
is bad and wrong.
is the essence of the boringness problem or the boring guy problem -
lack of chemicals. It can be a bitch. Particularly when the boring guy
in question, whether married or dating, or just hoping to date, feels
that their chemicals are perfectly acceptable and that they have made
and continue to make more than enough sacrifices to satisfy anyone reasonable.
They think they are nice. They think they have done enough. They think
they do more than enough, more than the jerks their girlfriends leave
them for. They buy nice little gifts perhaps, they say sweet little
things occasionally, they are patient and forbearing and even-tempered.
And still it's not enough! How fucking unfair is that? What the
fuck are these chemicals they are lacking and where the fuck do they
sort of unfair, and the chemicals come from emotions. This is an
oversimplification but it's close enough for our purposes. Emotions
signal the body to start pumping out chemicals of various sorts in preparation
for an emergency, a decision, or an important situation. Emotions give
the oomph! to brain processing. Boring guys are not real fond of ooomph.
generate the emotions that generate chemicals you need pictures in your
head. Imagination. Possibilities, potentials, disasters in the offing,
triumphs in the making, big rewards, terrible punishments, redemption,
heroism, romance, and fantasies of large sums of money that you don't
have. Stuff that isn't happening but that if it did would have
an impact, make a difference. You need to be looking at these pictures
of things that aren't happening and comparing them to what is happening
in order to decide what's good and bad, valuable and worthless, and
so on. You need sharp enough contrasts between what is happening and
what could be happening to generate strong values, deep feelings, and
people don't do this. They don't like strong contrasts because contrasts
make them uncomfortable. They don't like sharp clear values because
they might have to take a stand for them. They don't like big feelings
because they might not be able to handle them. And they don't like big
chemicals because they take energy and they'd rather conserve their
resources and skip the whole thing.
take an example of how to be boring and not boring. You look at your
imaginary life a year from now. You see a modest increase in income,
some small but necessary repairs to the house, the possibility that
the oldest will need braces, the need for new exercise equipment and
the potential for improving your lawn and garden by planting new hedges.
Everything else pretty much stays the way it is now. BORING!!!!!
chemicals are being generated. Now let's take a different look. You
look one year into the imaginary future and see that your ass is grass
unless you fucking figure out some way to make more money! You see that
you don't get along with your boss and you'll fucking kill him if you
can't get transferred the hell out of his division. You see that you're
not getting any younger which not only causes mild panic because there's
so fucking much you wanted to do with your life but is also ridiculously
unfair because you're not getting any wiser either. You see all these
different things you'd like to do and try which you probably won't have
time for, but you wish you did. You look at the contrasting pictures
of how life is, how you'd like it to be, and how it's probably gonna
be and you get all mixed up and your chemicals starting milling around
trying to figure out what to do and the next thing you know you are
suddenly crabby and having an argument with your significant other in
which you are bitching and moaning and whining because you never
have enough fucking time for anything!
she gets all pissed off at you and the 2 of you shout and by the time
it's over you have sex and she feels all bonded to you and secretly
believes that she scored big time bagging you because you have chemicals
and you care about things. What you care about that Mr. Boring
Guy didn't is not just how things are gonna be but how you'd like
them to be. Your whiny complaint about lack of time indicated, underneath
it all, that there are still things you believe in and want to do and
you care enough about them to get all crabby because you can't have
is exactly what boring people don't do. They don't look at how they'd
really like things to be. If you don't look at that, it's hard
to generate chemicals. And if you don't generate chemicals, you don't
generate caring. And if you don't generate caring, you don't generate
love and attachment.
people don't look at how they'd really like things to be because that
isn't the way they are. Boring people figure it's no use and it's
just painful to think about how they'd really like things to be because
yeah right, like that's really ever going to happen. And so they tamp
down the contrasts in their pictures, tamp down the emotion, tamp down
the chemicals, and tamp down everything else. Women will fucking hate
you if you do that. If you're not in love with something that's never
gonna fucking happen, if you can't be irrational enough to manage
that, how the fuck are you ever gonna be irrational enough to be in
love with them? You aren't. They're a lot harder to love than your silly
little dreams and if you are not man enough to handle having a few dreams,
you are probably not man enough to handle jack shit. At least that's
how their evolutionary brain reasons.
only that, they figure you're not really gonna care when they're not
there for you when your chips are down. Because all you ever think about
is the daily details of life and not the coulds and wish it was's, so
you don't even bother to imagine that anyone would ever truly fucking
care for you. You're all practicality and no fantasy. Which means that
whatever love they have for you is pretty fucking useless since you
don't care anyway, right? Exactly the sort of reasoning that generates
chemicals all right - get me the fuck out of this boring marriage
is the essence of the Women Want A Man With Potential myth. People
notice that women always go for the guy with the dreams, that she seems
to fall in love with what he could be rather than what he is. What she
is actually falling in love with is his ability to generate big chemicals,
what she is actually falling in love with is his ability to love.
may not have a significant other, you may just want to attract one.
But let me tell you, if you run around unconsciously killing your
own & other people's How I Wish It Was's, in favor of I'm Sure You'll
be Impressed to Learn What A Secure Job I Have, you might as well
just make a fucking announcement to the woman's evolutionary brain -
I will never fucking love you. The women you attract with that
gambit will be ones that don't want to be loved. And there are some.
You might as well get used to going out with them.
may think that balancing your checkbook or taking care of business indicates
love or the desire to provide or be practical or take care of people
and so on. It doesn't, not unless you combine it with chemicals. To
avoid the abuse the boring are eventually subjected to, you need
to be clutching an improbable dream, no matter how practical you
me repeat, you do not have to run around being all fucking emotional
all the time. What you need to do is be clutching some improbable
dreams hard enough to let your desire for them leak out occasionally
whether it be in crabbiness, or enthusiasm, or irrational babbling.
An improbable dream is not that you will get the garage cleaned out
this Sunday. An improbable dream is that you could be a really good
rock guitarist. Improbable. Not merely unlikely, like the clean garage
dream. Improbable means life-changing, life-enhancing, it does not mean
sorting your socks. Want something bad enough to get pissed that
you don't have it. It's not the getting it that's important - it's
the wanting it. A woman will put up with a lot of not getting from a
man who displays a lot of wanting. Turn some of that excess wanting
toward her, and she'll stick like glue. That's all there is to it.
unfair part for boring guys (and women) everywhere is that there are
good reasons why you are not clutching your improbable dreams, advertising
your chemicals, and avoiding the scathing contempt of the people you
will eventually marry. The reason is that you already have an improbable
improbable dream is that you will be loved. This little fucking
dream has become so improbable in your mind that you don't even fucking
bother to haul it out of your heart and spit-polish it occasionally.
You don't even really look at the sucker, because what's the fucking
use? You have buried it and don't look at the pictures it produces.
But it leaks out anyway. It leaks out anyway and what it announces to
the woman who is not only going to divorce you but divorce you with
great bitterness is that it's never gonna fucking be about how much
you love her, it's always going to be about whether she loves you. And
no matter how much she does, it'll never be enough because you won't
even look at the fucking improbable dream long enough to tell if it's
fucking coming true.
buried dream can't come true.
can't be satisfied by getting something you have given up even fucking
wanting. If you don't experience the wanting, the getting will be absolutely
put it another way, you are a boring guy because you didn't get enough
love as a kid. If that's not the worst fucking pathetic reason for
a fucked up marriage or fucked up love life I don't know what is. And
yet there you have it. Happens all the fucking time. Happens more often
than not. Happens to not quite everybody but close enough. That's just
the way life is. It's staggering how many incredibly normally boring
people fling themselves at me who have never really loved anyone or
had anyone love them back. I can't fix all that in a page or two, although
god knows I would if I could. But I can lay it out for you so you can
decide what to do about it - such as ignoring it completely.
your route to boringness, you followed these steps. Unfollow everything
in Step 1 in reverse order and you will eventually free yourself
of this problem. If for some reason you want to. Which you probably
1: Be a kid. Look around at life. Realize that it is not the way
you want it to be. Realize there is nothing you can do about this. Figure
that if you had more love coming your way it would be more like you
want it to be. Figure that's not going to fucking happen. Don't
tell anyone you want more love than you're actually getting - because
that would jeopardize whatever love you can actually obtain. Tell yourself
that if anyone actually really loved you enough, you would love them
back so hard and so much. Practice this part on your cat or dog or
stuffed animals. Think about your situation a little. Sigh. Get
depressed. Realize that if you think about what you really want but
can't have it can get really painful. Even more than painful, it can
get scary. The sensation of not having enough love to get what you want
can feel a little life-threatening. The sensation of not being able
to give you the love you have can feel just as life-threatening. Because
it is. People need both. You aren't getting enough of either.
Decide you don't want your life threatened. Stop thinking about what
you really want. Stop thinking about more love. Make do with what
you have. Practice this philosophy endlessly. Promise yourself that
you can keep your dream of having all the love you would ever need to
get everything you want - as long as you never bum yourself out by
looking at it.
2: Grow up. Don't even think about changing the practices it took
you so long to master. Keep your dream locked up like a stack of
diamonds in a safe deposit box. Get paranoid that people will find
out about your dream because it's so fucking precious and valuable naturally
they are going to want to steal it away. Try to mate.
3: Start thinking to yourself, my precious diamond dream of having
enough love to get whatever I want would look really good on this mate
person. It's a beautiful diamond dream and this is a beautiful person.
They would complement each other perfectly. But I can't take it out
of the safe deposit box and display it because it's so fucking valuable
they would probably try to steal it. Maybe I should trust them. Maybe
I shouldn't. Here's what I'll do - I'll decide that if they prove, if
they show me they really love me and I can trust them then I'll take
it out. So I'll keep hinting around that I have some diamonds.
But if confronted I'll deny it. I'll look for them to prove they love
me and then they can see my diamonds.
4: Implement this strategy. Bring your little gifts, your little
sweet gestures, your little attempts to show affection, your small commitments,
trot them out as hints that you possess more where that came from -
you have actual fucking diamonds. When the other person suspects
you might have love diamonds you are hiding and confronts you in an
argument or stressful situation, when they try to find out if you really
love them - vigorously deny it. Panic. Pretend you don't know anything
about it. Lie hard. Act like you don't love them and you don't care
if they love you. Refuse to argue. Don't get mad. Put things
in perspective. Focus on the practical. Calm things down. Get rational.
Argue on what is's and not the what could be's. Avoid the L-word. Feel
uptight and paranoid and inadequate and insecure. Figure these things
will just signal that you are hiding precious diamonds. Act like you
don't care. Stay calm. Keep things on the surface. Don't really ask
them if they love you - you don't want to know. Try to act like
you are just concerned about them and not yourself. Distract them from
thinking about your hidden diamonds by focusing on them. Act like
they need your help and not your diamonds. Try to help them. Feel
like a slug of cement when it doesn't work and you subliminally realize
that at this rate they will never be worthy to see your diamonds. Get
worried that all your hiding and denying will blow things and maybe
they really do love you and they are the one you should show your diamonds
to. Feel guilty. Use the L-word. Try hard to get along. Be nice.
Smooth problems over. Keep things light. Keep things practical. Be glad
you are not dealing with the harrowing business of pulling valuable
diamonds out of a safe deposit box. Be glad you didn't trust them before.
5: Experience ever-escalating abuse and criticism as the one you
have mated with pokes and prods you for those goddamn fucking diamonds
you hinted at. Experience their anger and betrayal at your false promises.
Listen as they tell everyone, including you, how you never really loved
them, never really cared, how you were unsupportive, ungiving, uncharitable,
unsympathetic, uninspiring, and they fucking despise you. Clam up. You
are certainly not going to show your diamonds to someone like this.
Make a vow to yourself that they could kill you before you'd show them
your diamonds. Watch them try. Realize how incredibly fucking
right you were not to pull any fucking diamonds out of their safe place.
Think to yourself that everything they have said about you just proves
how wrong they were. You are incredibly loving, you have secret diamonds.
They just don't know about them.
6: Get left, get divorced. Get taken to the cleaners. Get lonely.
Start thinking to yourself 'you know if I could find the right mate,
I bet my secret diamonds would look really good on them.' Start cautiously
looking. Do not realize this will never work. Do not realize that no
one knows about your secret diamonds, as far as they are concerned they
don't fucking exist. You may pull in another sucker with your hints,
but the reality is, you have no fucking diamonds until
you pull them out of the goddamn fucking safe deposit box and start
using them. Completely fail to realize this and get yourself into exactly
the same type of relationship you had before. Repeat endlessly.
your steps. They are incredibly logical. They make complete sense and
are not only sensible but sane. You were not stupid to follow them,
or irrational, or a dweeb or defective. The only problem is they don't
work. Of course, you don't fucking want to commit to loving someone
else until they love you first, because as you know from experience,
it fucking sucks when someone doesn't love you. But logical as it is,
it's an endless loop. No one is ever really going to fucking love you
until you can commit to loving first. This is hideously unfair, inconvenient,
risky, and painful. Also it's terrible. But that's just the way it is.
you unfollow the path that got you here - in reverse order. So you start
off by loving something small and not life-threatening. An improbable
dream. You don't start off back at the beginning when you were a kid
and there was nothing you could do and the situation was life-threatening.
You start off now and you follow step 1 in reverse order. You pull out
your fucking diamonds and look at them. Dust them off and look at your
dreams. They're nice. You like them. Some are old and can be discarded
or remounted in a prettier setting or what have you. Spruce the fuckers
up. Maybe you don't still want to be a professional baseball player.
On the other hand, maybe it's good to remember your passion for baseball
and how much you love it. Examine your dreams. Get a little excited.
realize that you don't need all the fucking love it would take to get
everything you want - but you could sure do with a lot more than you're
getting. You've been making do with nothing but the fake collateral
of some old diamonds. Hell you've lived this fucking long without love
- you can live awhile longer. But it sure would be nice to have it.
then you don't have to fucking make do with what you have - you can
go for more. Start thinking about more love. Giving and receiving. Coming
and going. In and out. It's not such a terrible thing. Think a lot more
about what you really want out of life. Realize your life is not actually
threatened. If someone doesn't love you, it's not going to fucking kill
you. If you love someone and they don't love you, it's not going to
fucking kill you. If you tell someone you love them, show it, reveal
it, and they don't love you, it's not going to fucking kill you. Get
used to this idea. It will take awhile. A long while. Realize that
if they do love you, that won't kill you either. Get used to this
idea. It will take awhile. A long while.
that love could be painful. It could lead and will lead to wanting things
you don't actually have at the given moment. Big things. Improbable
things. Chemical things. Scary things. Realize you can handle it. Practice.
Increase your tolerance for pain. Realize that you had very little
before. Realize how shut down you were, how you dismissed everything
and made it boring. Realize your bitch of an ex-wife was right. Say
to yourself - 'what do you fucking know? She was right all along.' Don't
worry about it. That was then, this is now.
depressed, get un-depressed, deal with it. Swing wider in your thoughts,
higher and lower in your reactions. Start fucking loving life. Stop
fucking caring whether you ever find someone you can show off your diamonds
on, hell, you are having too good a time with them yourself. Find someone
you do love anyway, and give them your diamonds. Get all fucking happy
when they accept them. Live happily ever after. Enjoy.
you thought life was complicated.