moderately enjoyable, but I want to get to the good stuff.
Okay, very good.
Now that you are no longer angry, you'll need to make a decision.
If you got all the bad chemicals out by swearing, you may feel really
good and relaxed and like maybe just sitting down in front of your
television and enjoying yourself. Of course you can't, because you
don't have the channels you ordered, but maybe you can watch the Food
Channel instead of ESPN. Doesn't that sound fun?
This relaxed feeling
sometimes happens particularly if you swear after work instead of
before. If it does and you don't feel like worrying about anything
any more, do just that, relax, kick back, maybe you'll even feel a
little horny because getting rid of resignation chemicals can do that
and hey why not take advantage if there's an opportunity.
If however, you're
feeling good from having gotten rid of the resignation chemicals and
you're pumped to make AT&T suffer then proceed after doing the
Hassle Factor Calculation.
Their Billing Systems, which is the technique we are going to
use, requires a certain investment of time and modest effort and the
willingness to stay in Resolve Mode regarding AT&T for a few weeks.
Maybe not that long but it could be. And so you have to make the Hassle
Factor Calculation. Is it worth it? In general, unless you want
to become a crank and make Fucking With Corporations your lifetime
hobby (and I know someone who has devoted their life to this effort
and is much better at it than any job they have ever held), you should
stick to Fucking with 2 or 3 Corporations You Really Hate,
rather than taking on them all. Maybe a half dozen at most.
If you are up
for it, let's get you prepped.
In the natural
chemical cycle you are supposed to move from Anger and Frustration
into Resolve. The Resolve Mode has several characteristics that have
evolved over time to make it effective in dealing with your Enemies
when you have to win. First of all, the Anger and Frustration are
supposed to have flooded your system with adrenaline and so on to
give you energy and make you feel pumped. If you have finished
swearing and you still feel pumped that is a good sign.
Resolve Mode is a Task-Focus mode. You are to focus on your task
and only your task and filter out all extraneous information. You
are hyper-alert, yet relaxed and in the zone when concentrating on
your Task, but you are unconcerned with any other items on your agenda.
Therefore, and obviously, when you are going to implement Fucking
With Corporations, don't attempt to do it while you are distracted
- diapering the baby, driving your car, waving your arms at people
who have entered your office at work, getting instructions from your
wife, and so on. This is not a multi-tasking activity, this is a Task
Focus Activity. Gladiators didn't attempt to slice their opponents
in half while dialing their cell phone, now did they? Everybody who's
a true sports fan knows that distraction can be deadly and Focus is
an Ally. So when you are Fucking With Corporations, do that and only
Mode is chemically designed to tamp down your ability to feel
pain. This is one of the extraneous bits of information you are filtering
out, i.e., any pain you might encounter while Fucking with AT&T.
That's why you don't call them when you are angry or before you have
finished swearing. People often call when they are angry under the
impression it will give them courage. Natural strategy. But anger
is a High Pain Mode and that's not what we want.
To be more blunt,
we are going to get on the phone with AT&T but we are not going
to listen to anything they say - except as it relates to our task.
Nothing they can say or do can hurt us. No matter how illogical, enraging,
unjust, unfair, arrogant, stupid, mean, infuriating or what have you
it may be. We are in Resolve Mode and we feel no pain. We know only
now you are going to call AT&T and require that they give you
a credit on your bill for screwing up your order. They need to
give you the first month of Expanded Cable free.
Note: Sometimes a corporation will just go ahead and give you
the credit right away without giving you any hassle. This is very
disappointing and makes you feel like you didn't ask for enough. This
is unfortunate, but sometimes Corporations are cooperative and there
isn't really anything I can do about it. I suppose you could try being
Pleasantly Surprised - that might make you feel better.
All right, normally,
as soon as you get on the phone with them, they will tell you they
can't give you a credit, it's impossible, or they will ask for reasons
or they will try to explain things to you. Don't listen. You don't
care. When they say they can't give you a credit, tell them you completely
understand and they just need to you connect you with the person who
can. Say 'I need' when referring to your credit - because you don't.
Note: When you are explaining this to them, Avoid Logic. This
is why we avoided thinking of reasons and justifications and so on
while you were swearing. This is not about logic. Logic can be defeated.
If you think of reasons or justifications why it is fair and so on,
they can be undercut, mocked, argued with, reasoned out of, denied
and generally killed and made useless, sending you reeling back and
into Anger Pain Mode. Reasons lead to Arguments and Arguments can
be lost. You are not getting into an argument with them over what's
right and what's wrong, you are not doing this for a Reason. You are
merely making them give you a credit for no reason whatsoever
just because you want one. There is nothing more defeating and frustrating
and helpless than dealing with Self-Assured Irrationality.
This is what you are going to subject AT&T to. Just like they
always do to you.
Pretend you are rich. Rich people, you may have noticed, don't
watch TV. They spend their evenings at expensive restaurants with
glamorous women, closing Big Business Deals, and running for president.
They don't need the opiate of the masses because they are not the
masses, they are rich. The whole point of TV is to keep you from getting
rich by keeping you in Resignation mode, so you won't get all pumped
up and Task Focus-y and start having energy and doing shit to get
rich. When TV works properly, you stay resigned and restless and devoted
to buying lots of stuff you don't need and can't afford so the people
on TV will get rich. Now you are simply going to pretend that you
are not a victim of this cycle and that you are rich yourself, so
that you can get the TV you want and go back to watching it.
don't give reasons why people should give them what they want - they
simply expect people to do it because they are rich and they said
to do it. This is one of the annoying qualities of Rich People
we want you to adopt for the moment. Rich people think they own the
world and don't have to be logical. Rich people are arrogant and impervious
to pain - these are all qualities we want you to have while dealing
with AT&T. You can go back to being normal later - for the moment,
pretend to be rich.
The person at
AT&T or wherever will get frustrated and unhappy and unpleasant
and feel bad because you are asking to speak to their supervisor.
This is fine. We are trying to make AT&T frustrated instead of
you. The person at AT&T is not going to like you. This is fine.
It doesn't make you angry, you are in Resolve Mode and you feel no
pain and nothing makes you angry.
Be nice while
you are being irrationally demanding. You are trying to fuck with
AT&T, not the person on the phone. You don't care how they feel,
it's not about them. You are marginally sympathetic and pleasant,
you are merely trying to help them figure out how to give you your
credit. Your free month of service.
If you are persistent
in your illogical demand for a credit or a refund for something you
haven't paid for or whatever equivalent billing thing you have come
up with, the Corporation will get desperate. They will transfer
you to automated voice mail systems from which there is no escape
but hanging up. They will give you the names of non-existent supervisors
and so on. You don't care. You are in Task Focus mode. You simply
hang up and call back, saying to the operator, 'I was talking to someone
who was giving me a credit on my bill when I got cut off.' Lie.
If they ask you for names - lie. Say 'I think his name was 'Ernesto'.
When they transfer you around and demand a name of someone you weren't
actually talking to because in reality nobody was actually trying
to give you a credit, continue to lie. They will tell you there is
no Ernesto. You will say 'well either I wrote it down wrong or there
is someone at your company who calls himself Ernesto.' They will
say suspiciously 'Eduardo?' You will say casually because you
are in control - 'could have been Eduardo I suppose.' You will not
be anxious and eager to please because you are lying, so you will
not say 'yeah, yeah, Eduardo, that's it.' And this will pay off when
they say 'Eduardo is the janitor!' You will simply say, 'well if it
was Eduardo I was talking to, not only is he a good janitor but he
was very helpful in setting up the credit on my bill before we got
cut off.' This will drive them insane. They will begin to really believe
you and to try to figure out who could have been helping you. You
will cooperate in assisting them to guide you to someone who could
actually give you a credit.
Then they will
call out the big guns - Making You Jump Through Hoops. They
will want you to write a letter. Or to send a copy of the screwed
up service order. Or to send them photocopies of your cancelled checks
and your bills for the last six months. You don't care. You are so
pleasant while you are explaining how you would certainly like to
remain a loyal and happy customer of AT&T and how you are certain
they can credit your bill without any copies of cancelled checks.
You keep asking to speak to people higher up. To amuse yourself, you
say 'All right then, why not connect me to the guy who's in charge
of your declining stock price. Hah, hah! Just a little joke.' But
you say it while you're on hold, so they don't hear you.
If they make
you Jump Through Hoops with their Automated Voice Mail system or by
writing a letter or what have you, you simply add more months of credit
to your requirement.
will end up with a bewildered and grumpy person in Billing or a perky
Clerk in Billing. It may take a day or a week or a month, but eventually
they will not be able to think of anything else to do. Somebody will
take your information and promise to give you a credit.
It won't happen.
There is no way it will happen. They will screw it up. When they said
they couldn't give you a credit, they weren't kidding. They can't.
Their billing system cannot handle it.
What will happen
instead is that they will send you a refund check for service you
didn't pay for. And they will keep sending them for several months.
You will get the refund before the bill or for something entirely
unrelated to your bill. Or they will issue you multiple multiple bills
which you won't pay, followed by months and months of miscellaneous
credits. They will activate your Expanded Cable and then accidentally
re-activate your HBO Max-Pak and never bill you for it. For an entire
year, you will receive Expanded Cable, Digital Cable, Pay-Per View
Adult Movies, and HBO Max Pak all on a bill that comes with credits
to $16.95, all of which is state and federal taxes. You will get your
neighbor's cable. If you buy a satellite dish, you will discover you
accidentally already have DirecTV as well. Nowhere will this show
up on your bill. Your bill will be incomprehensible and will bear
no relation to reality. Once they start giving you stuff, it will
be impossible for them to stop for at least 12 months. This
is the law of Fucking with Their Billing System. Relax, kick back
and enjoy your TV.
Are you sure
this will work? What if they screw up and charge me more? It
Of course it could
happen. You won't pay it. They will try to straighten it out and end
up giving you extra service or miscellaneous refunds, etc. like I
said. A friend of mine did this with a camera company over a camera
that wouldn't work and they ended up sending him a new, fully functional
camera each month for four months. Thus, he was able to give a camera
as a lovely parting gift to every woman he dumped for an entire year,
calculating at an average relationship span of 3 months. Good deal
Of course your
results may vary. Maybe you won't get a full month 12 months free
ride. But trust me, once you Fuck With Their Billing, stuff will happen.
Not only have I worked for many Large Corporations, I also went to
school at UCLA. I have sparred with the best in the bureaucracy business.
(Excepting of course the federal government. Different animal entirely.)
All right, go
now, pick an Institution and Fuck With Their Billing!