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Advanced Fucking with Corporations....

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Swearing is moderately enjoyable, but I want to get to the good stuff.

Okay, very good. Now that you are no longer angry, you'll need to make a decision. If you got all the bad chemicals out by swearing, you may feel really good and relaxed and like maybe just sitting down in front of your television and enjoying yourself. Of course you can't, because you don't have the channels you ordered, but maybe you can watch the Food Channel instead of ESPN. Doesn't that sound fun?

This relaxed feeling sometimes happens particularly if you swear after work instead of before. If it does and you don't feel like worrying about anything any more, do just that, relax, kick back, maybe you'll even feel a little horny because getting rid of resignation chemicals can do that and hey why not take advantage if there's an opportunity.

If however, you're feeling good from having gotten rid of the resignation chemicals and you're pumped to make AT&T suffer then proceed after doing the Hassle Factor Calculation.

Fucking With Their Billing Systems, which is the technique we are going to use, requires a certain investment of time and modest effort and the willingness to stay in Resolve Mode regarding AT&T for a few weeks. Maybe not that long but it could be. And so you have to make the Hassle Factor Calculation. Is it worth it? In general, unless you want to become a crank and make Fucking With Corporations your lifetime hobby (and I know someone who has devoted their life to this effort and is much better at it than any job they have ever held), you should stick to Fucking with 2 or 3 Corporations You Really Hate, rather than taking on them all. Maybe a half dozen at most.

If you are up for it, let's get you prepped.

In the natural chemical cycle you are supposed to move from Anger and Frustration into Resolve. The Resolve Mode has several characteristics that have evolved over time to make it effective in dealing with your Enemies when you have to win. First of all, the Anger and Frustration are supposed to have flooded your system with adrenaline and so on to give you energy and make you feel pumped. If you have finished swearing and you still feel pumped that is a good sign.

Secondly, the Resolve Mode is a Task-Focus mode. You are to focus on your task and only your task and filter out all extraneous information. You are hyper-alert, yet relaxed and in the zone when concentrating on your Task, but you are unconcerned with any other items on your agenda. Therefore, and obviously, when you are going to implement Fucking With Corporations, don't attempt to do it while you are distracted - diapering the baby, driving your car, waving your arms at people who have entered your office at work, getting instructions from your wife, and so on. This is not a multi-tasking activity, this is a Task Focus Activity. Gladiators didn't attempt to slice their opponents in half while dialing their cell phone, now did they? Everybody who's a true sports fan knows that distraction can be deadly and Focus is an Ally. So when you are Fucking With Corporations, do that and only that.

Thirdly, Resolve Mode is chemically designed to tamp down your ability to feel pain. This is one of the extraneous bits of information you are filtering out, i.e., any pain you might encounter while Fucking with AT&T. That's why you don't call them when you are angry or before you have finished swearing. People often call when they are angry under the impression it will give them courage. Natural strategy. But anger is a High Pain Mode and that's not what we want.

To be more blunt, we are going to get on the phone with AT&T but we are not going to listen to anything they say - except as it relates to our task. Nothing they can say or do can hurt us. No matter how illogical, enraging, unjust, unfair, arrogant, stupid, mean, infuriating or what have you it may be. We are in Resolve Mode and we feel no pain. We know only Task Focus.

All right, now you are going to call AT&T and require that they give you a credit on your bill for screwing up your order. They need to give you the first month of Expanded Cable free.

Procedural Note: Sometimes a corporation will just go ahead and give you the credit right away without giving you any hassle. This is very disappointing and makes you feel like you didn't ask for enough. This is unfortunate, but sometimes Corporations are cooperative and there isn't really anything I can do about it. I suppose you could try being Pleasantly Surprised - that might make you feel better.

All right, normally, as soon as you get on the phone with them, they will tell you they can't give you a credit, it's impossible, or they will ask for reasons or they will try to explain things to you. Don't listen. You don't care. When they say they can't give you a credit, tell them you completely understand and they just need to you connect you with the person who can. Say 'I need' when referring to your credit - because you don't.

Procedural Note: When you are explaining this to them, Avoid Logic. This is why we avoided thinking of reasons and justifications and so on while you were swearing. This is not about logic. Logic can be defeated. If you think of reasons or justifications why it is fair and so on, they can be undercut, mocked, argued with, reasoned out of, denied and generally killed and made useless, sending you reeling back and into Anger Pain Mode. Reasons lead to Arguments and Arguments can be lost. You are not getting into an argument with them over what's right and what's wrong, you are not doing this for a Reason. You are merely making them give you a credit for no reason whatsoever just because you want one. There is nothing more defeating and frustrating and helpless than dealing with Self-Assured Irrationality. This is what you are going to subject AT&T to. Just like they always do to you.

Bonus Tip: Pretend you are rich. Rich people, you may have noticed, don't watch TV. They spend their evenings at expensive restaurants with glamorous women, closing Big Business Deals, and running for president. They don't need the opiate of the masses because they are not the masses, they are rich. The whole point of TV is to keep you from getting rich by keeping you in Resignation mode, so you won't get all pumped up and Task Focus-y and start having energy and doing shit to get rich. When TV works properly, you stay resigned and restless and devoted to buying lots of stuff you don't need and can't afford so the people on TV will get rich. Now you are simply going to pretend that you are not a victim of this cycle and that you are rich yourself, so that you can get the TV you want and go back to watching it.

Rich People don't give reasons why people should give them what they want - they simply expect people to do it because they are rich and they said to do it. This is one of the annoying qualities of Rich People we want you to adopt for the moment. Rich people think they own the world and don't have to be logical. Rich people are arrogant and impervious to pain - these are all qualities we want you to have while dealing with AT&T. You can go back to being normal later - for the moment, pretend to be rich.

The person at AT&T or wherever will get frustrated and unhappy and unpleasant and feel bad because you are asking to speak to their supervisor. This is fine. We are trying to make AT&T frustrated instead of you. The person at AT&T is not going to like you. This is fine. It doesn't make you angry, you are in Resolve Mode and you feel no pain and nothing makes you angry.

Be nice while you are being irrationally demanding. You are trying to fuck with AT&T, not the person on the phone. You don't care how they feel, it's not about them. You are marginally sympathetic and pleasant, you are merely trying to help them figure out how to give you your credit. Your free month of service.

If you are persistent in your illogical demand for a credit or a refund for something you haven't paid for or whatever equivalent billing thing you have come up with, the Corporation will get desperate. They will transfer you to automated voice mail systems from which there is no escape but hanging up. They will give you the names of non-existent supervisors and so on. You don't care. You are in Task Focus mode. You simply hang up and call back, saying to the operator, 'I was talking to someone who was giving me a credit on my bill when I got cut off.' Lie. If they ask you for names - lie. Say 'I think his name was 'Ernesto'. When they transfer you around and demand a name of someone you weren't actually talking to because in reality nobody was actually trying to give you a credit, continue to lie. They will tell you there is no Ernesto. You will say 'well either I wrote it down wrong or there is someone at your company who calls himself Ernesto.' They will say suspiciously 'Eduardo?' You will say casually because you are in control - 'could have been Eduardo I suppose.' You will not be anxious and eager to please because you are lying, so you will not say 'yeah, yeah, Eduardo, that's it.' And this will pay off when they say 'Eduardo is the janitor!' You will simply say, 'well if it was Eduardo I was talking to, not only is he a good janitor but he was very helpful in setting up the credit on my bill before we got cut off.' This will drive them insane. They will begin to really believe you and to try to figure out who could have been helping you. You will cooperate in assisting them to guide you to someone who could actually give you a credit.

Then they will call out the big guns - Making You Jump Through Hoops. They will want you to write a letter. Or to send a copy of the screwed up service order. Or to send them photocopies of your cancelled checks and your bills for the last six months. You don't care. You are so pleasant while you are explaining how you would certainly like to remain a loyal and happy customer of AT&T and how you are certain they can credit your bill without any copies of cancelled checks. You keep asking to speak to people higher up. To amuse yourself, you say 'All right then, why not connect me to the guy who's in charge of your declining stock price. Hah, hah! Just a little joke.' But you say it while you're on hold, so they don't hear you.

If they make you Jump Through Hoops with their Automated Voice Mail system or by writing a letter or what have you, you simply add more months of credit to your requirement.

Eventually, you will end up with a bewildered and grumpy person in Billing or a perky Clerk in Billing. It may take a day or a week or a month, but eventually they will not be able to think of anything else to do. Somebody will take your information and promise to give you a credit.

It won't happen. There is no way it will happen. They will screw it up. When they said they couldn't give you a credit, they weren't kidding. They can't. Their billing system cannot handle it.

What will happen instead is that they will send you a refund check for service you didn't pay for. And they will keep sending them for several months. You will get the refund before the bill or for something entirely unrelated to your bill. Or they will issue you multiple multiple bills which you won't pay, followed by months and months of miscellaneous credits. They will activate your Expanded Cable and then accidentally re-activate your HBO Max-Pak and never bill you for it. For an entire year, you will receive Expanded Cable, Digital Cable, Pay-Per View Adult Movies, and HBO Max Pak all on a bill that comes with credits to $16.95, all of which is state and federal taxes. You will get your neighbor's cable. If you buy a satellite dish, you will discover you accidentally already have DirecTV as well. Nowhere will this show up on your bill. Your bill will be incomprehensible and will bear no relation to reality. Once they start giving you stuff, it will be impossible for them to stop for at least 12 months. This is the law of Fucking with Their Billing System. Relax, kick back and enjoy your TV.

Are you sure this will work? What if they screw up and charge me more? It could happen.

Of course it could happen. You won't pay it. They will try to straighten it out and end up giving you extra service or miscellaneous refunds, etc. like I said. A friend of mine did this with a camera company over a camera that wouldn't work and they ended up sending him a new, fully functional camera each month for four months. Thus, he was able to give a camera as a lovely parting gift to every woman he dumped for an entire year, calculating at an average relationship span of 3 months. Good deal for everybody!

Of course your results may vary. Maybe you won't get a full month 12 months free ride. But trust me, once you Fuck With Their Billing, stuff will happen. Not only have I worked for many Large Corporations, I also went to school at UCLA. I have sparred with the best in the bureaucracy business. (Excepting of course the federal government. Different animal entirely.)

All right, go now, pick an Institution and Fuck With Their Billing!

 

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